FRESNO, CA — 62-year-old Jimmy Sie runs a produce stand outside of his local game shop. For over a decade, he has made his living selling fresh fruits and vegetables a few yards from Cyclonic Thrift. Unfortunately for Sie, his proximity to nerds and the return…
Erie, PA – A Commander play group at a local game store collectively worried about a fourth in their group who spent a recent match skipping every “may” ability in card rules text. The player, Chase Locuer, seemed distant and “out of it”, according to the other players in his…
I’M SO TIRED – Ultimate Guard, the corporation behind ok TCG accessories, came under fire last week after it was discovered that they used AI Photoshop tools I don’t even like using in stupid header images on released deckboxes instead of paying the artist for revisions. The company, previously embroiled…
GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects. “I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.”…
MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her dating app bio had been broadcast on a pink chart labeled ‘unattractive hobbies to women’. “Yeah my roommate that I…
VATICAN CITY – A Pokemon TCG card signed by the pope has come back from grading, with the rare and unusual grade of 6.66 by the Beckett’s grading service. The card, a common Popplio signed by Pope Leo XIV, made the rounds as an internet meme due to the similarity…
The spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism has weighed in on one of life’s most important theological questions: why are some people trapped as forever Dungeon Masters? While the majority of TTRPG fans spend their time making characters and playing fun, imaginative games, “forever DMs” are cursed to run…
MANHATTAN, New York – The editor-in-chief of the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson, released an opinion piece today complaining about the number of cards that have been previewed for the upcoming Magic: The Gathering Universes Beyond Spider-Man set. White many in the online Magic community have complained about the spoiling of many…
SOTHERA, The Edge – Though his name is infamous throughout the system thanks to tales (either real or fake) of his exploits, interplanetary chef Ragost has been living with a new level of fame, gained from being featured on a Magic: The Gathering card. Ragost became immortalized on the card…
In an effort to keep fans focused on their upcoming Universes Beyond sets, Wizards of the Coast has made the decision to rotate Edge of Eternities out of Standard. This will give fans of the sci-fi set approximately zero days to enjoy its cast of unique characters and…
Following up on the success of The One Ring, Wizards of the Coast has decided to introduce another unique 1 of 1 card in the upcoming Spider-Man set. The card, Radioactive Spider, will have a single unique version with real radiation. It’s sure to become…
URZA’S FACTORY – Once a starry eyed child doodling cards somehow more balanced than most of the crap on r/custommagic, card designer Nadine Elliot’s spirit has been broken after years of making the same two cards kiss over and over again. “I thought I’d be making cool commanders and lands…
As the world debates the existence of the Gen Z stare local stax player Jack VanBundy has weighed in to report his experience with the blank, disinterested gaze of the younger generation. A firm believer in the stare, he claims to experience it regularly while playing in his…
Foxborough, MA – After sparking controversy for allegedly cheating on his wife at a Coldplay concert, a new video has been circulating online showing Andrew Bryon kingmaking Kristin Cabot during a recent Magic: The Gathering game. Bryon, the CEO of confusingly-described infrastructure management company Astronomer, was playing Commander with Cabot,…
Gainesville, FL–A local friend group has been pushed into unfriendly discourse as debate rages over which Intellectual Property the new Magic the Gathering set is from. “I started playing for Final Fantasy and I recognize Sonic the Hedgehog, but when I saw the new previews for Edge of…
After receiving a vague text from his friend a local man is unsure if he’s agreed to play the party game Coup or if he’s agreed to aid in a plan to overthrow the United States Government. Daniel Inada enthusiastically answered his friend Korrina…
After a surprisingly messy series of leaks became plastered across several subreddits, Wizards of the Coast took to social media to reassure Magic players that the complete and total release of Edge of Eternities would still be enjoyable. In a statement posted on X, Wizards stated “Although these unexpected leak…
LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN – A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath, Omnath, Omnath or, god forbid, Omnath. After reverting back to mono green now that pride month’s over, Omnath and their…
Washington, D.C. – Along with announcing that there is no evidence of wrongdoing in the Epstein flight logs, the Department of Justice released a memo “confirming” that Magic: The Gathering’s Reserved List also does not exist. The Reserved List was designed to make certain early Magic cards unable…
Atlanta, GA – According to a report from The Weather Channel, numerous Dark Depths around the country have quickly lost their ice counters due to the recent US heat wave. The hotter weather, also felt around the world, has inversely affected Magic: The…
A local Dungeons and Dragons party has remained divided about who the campaign’s BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy) is. This division was expected to disappear after the last session, which featured King Frump sending a squadron of death knights to suppress a group of…
Toledo, OH – Local card scalper “Honest” Craig Airgap recently went online to declare his disappointment when purchasing a box of cards for resale purposes. Airgap recently purchased two different “Crazy Ed’s Mixed-Up Box of ‘Magic’ Cards” looking to open the boxes and sell the cards for profit.
Tragedy struck at a local board game night when an attendee murdered the vibe. The culprit, Larry Fisher, was witnessed asking multiple other guests when they were going to start playing board games, interrupting an otherwise idyllic game night of drinking and discussing Love Island.
Bloomington, IL – In a surprising update during MagicCon: Las Vegas, Wizards of The Coast revealed that legendary vehicles and upcoming legendary spacecraft can be used as your Commander. In an even more surprising turn of events, insurance companies around the country have announced an increase in all vehicle insurance…
New York, NY – This author was given very real, totally legitimate early access to the new Arena version of the Pick-Two draft format unveiled at MagicCon: Las Vegas, but immediately ran into an issue with the format: No matter what I selected as my first card, the auto-drafter would automatically…
Shelton, CT – In a new partnership with game maker Wizards of the Coast, sandwich shop Subway has announced promotional footlong Magic: The Gathering cards. The cards, 8 and a half inches longer than normal Magic cards, are part of a trend the company has been leaning into the past…
Renton, WA – With the release date for Magic: the Gathering‘s upcoming space themed set, Edge of Eternities, edging ever closer, excitement is building for MtG fans around the world. But, before we get the long-awaited release of this new, core IP set, Commander’s Herald has some unfortunate news, Wizards of the Cost has decided…
New York, NY – Self-proclaimed aspiring MtG Pro Ffej Netrig was rudely awakened at the early hour of 2PM this past Saturday by the chanting of tens of thousands of protesters outside his basement apartment. Their cause: protesting kingmaking in Commander evidently. “I was shocked,” says Netrig, “to hear so…
