I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE OH WAIT WE ARE IT JUST SUCKS – An exhausted world apathetically sighed this week after a transgender Commander player was targeted for discard even though they were already hellbent with zero lands on the battlefield. “Honestly after having everything else systematically stripped…
A SMALL TOWN WHERE SURELY NOBODY COULD FIND LOVE – A tale of romance unfolded at the local game store earlier this week as, when an opponent asked if anyone would like to cut their deck, two players attempting to do so made intimate accidental hand contact. The incident occurred at…
PHYREXIA MINNESOTA – Americans are up in arms today after an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer fatally shot a Magic player who had nothing but an untapped Mountain on their person. According to officials, the kinda sorta law enforcement agent heroically murdered the hellbent player in cold blood because he had…
MANHATTAN, NY – A handful of fortunate Magic players were surprised this past weekend while opening their Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease kits to find something from outside of the set entirely: living box turtles stuffed inside with serial numbers stapled to them. This latest promotion feels like a slap in the…
Hi there, reader! I’m Dr. Foxglove, and I’m a new addition to the Commander’s Herald. I talk about things like death, sex, and trauma; and I use Magic: the Gathering to help me do it. It would make sense, then, that our…
Washington, D.C. – As the government begins to return to work following the longest government shutdown on record, many returning politicians are starting up their Magic: The Gathering play groups again. During a recent game Democrat Senator Corbin Leisch gave his opponent a massive advantage by allowing the player to…
CHANNEL 47 – Laziness has reached new heights this week as workers in charge of grabbing Avatar: The Last Airbender screenshots to replace artwork on Magic: The Gathering cards forgot to remove an iCarly promotional splash from the bottom of the screen. Wizards of the Coast admit the original plan…
SPOOKY MESOTHELIOMA ATTIC – A group of rowdy college students who uncovered a dusty old Ouija board then decided to play Commander have been thrown into turmoil after the player using it as a playmat systematically countered or removed every single card Dave has played. The game started casually enough…
Bend, OR – A fan of the Standard format of Magic: The Gathering found himself in hot water this week after police found him destroying a witch’s cauldron decoration in his neighbor’s yard. The vat vandalism went down when local man Tate Grimsbold was walking home after an unsuccessful game…
Columbus, OH – A tense moment happened at a Halloween event today as a man going to a comic book store while dressed in a Spider-Man costume won a Magic: The Gathering character costume contest by accident. Ted Plensk, the Spider-Man cosplayer and costume contest victor, had not planned to…
THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – A bizarre questionnaire sent out by Wizards of the Coast last week asked Magic players if any specific influencers affected their views on the Communist Party (and/or the Spider-Man Universes Beyond set). The question in question uses the acronym Reviewer Entertainer Dissenting Streamer (REDS)…
Washington, D.C. – During one of his usual incomprehensible and rambling speeches, 34-time convicted felon and former star of The Apprentice Donald Trump announced that he will be sending the National Guard to yet another city. The deployment was made because Trump has been spending the past few days drafting…
SHITASS GAMES – For their upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prerelease event, one devoted local game store has delved headfirst into immersion by shrouding their business in the smell of poop water for the past 30 years. The community has lovingly rallied around the event, with some members going so…
In a post on their social media accounts, Wizards of the Coast today announced that, due to the increased volume of intellectual properties being brought into Magic: The Gathering via Universes Beyond, all Commander games going forward should begin with an explanation of your commander’s lore. Universes Beyond has brought…
Atlanta, GA – Magic: The Gathering fans descended upon Atlanta this weekend to attend MagicCon, one of the biggest card game events of the year. Fans from around the world got together to play the game they love, see content creators and game developers they enjoy, and spend more money…
This past weekend saw plenty of Prerelease events around the country for the new Marvel’s Spider-Man Magic: The Gathering set. However, it has been reported that many local game stores had small or non-existent crowds for the new comic book hero cards. After being presented evidence, we here at Commander’s…
Renton, WA – Wizards of the Coast amended a press release today for a new Play-Doh-based Secret Lair product to indicate a flaw with the cards: they will dry out, like Play-Doh, if you leave them unsleeved. This is yet another issue with recent card quality which Wizards took steps…
Washington, D.C. – Former director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, current acting director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and sycophant Kash Patel claimed another investigative victory this week during a game of Magic: The Gathering. Along with the claim that he caught Charlie Kirk’s alleged shooter…
SYRACUSE, NY wait I mean LOUISVILLE, KY – Card game vendors are in a frenzy this morning after the cheap AI’s TCGPlayer “hired” to replace their human employees voted to unionize their virtual workplace. “Today marks a historic moment in worker’s rights,” announced Hailey, an artificial intelligence customer support rep…
Pawtucket, RI – Gaming company Hasbro has announced that Spider-Man will no longer be coming to any of their board game applications, and will be replaced with newly-popular Magic: The Gathering star Fleem, Goben’s Creation. While many believe this is due to Fleem’s budding positive relationship with audiences, it is…
TABLE – While watching her D&D players enter hour six of planning how they’re going to steal from the Blarblegarble Bank, Dungeon Master Zoe Bagends contemplated how simple it would be to rob the City Bank branch across the street. “I could just walk in, hand the teller a note,…
Redmond, WA – In response to a recent Tolarian Community College video advertising a new line of college-centric memorabilia, Wizards of The Coast released a video mocking the products in the style of the Secret Lair Alert videos from the prolific YouTube profile. TCC regularly releases videos deriding the fact…
I’M SO TIRED – Ultimate Guard, the corporation behind ok TCG accessories, came under fire last week after it was discovered that they used AI Photoshop tools I don’t even like using in stupid header images on released deckboxes instead of paying the artist for revisions. The company, previously embroiled…
GET A LAWYER – After seeing a vague, colorful piece of cardboard mug an old woman on Monday morning, the only witness to the crime found themselves unable to finger the Magic: The Gathering card from amongst gathered suspects. “I don’t know how to keep track of these kids anymore.”…
MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her dating app bio had been broadcast on a pink chart labeled ‘unattractive hobbies to women’. “Yeah my roommate that I…
URZA’S FACTORY – Once a starry eyed child doodling cards somehow more balanced than most of the crap on r/custommagic, card designer Nadine Elliot’s spirit has been broken after years of making the same two cards kiss over and over again. “I thought I’d be making cool commanders and lands…
LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN – A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath, Omnath, Omnath or, god forbid, Omnath. After reverting back to mono green now that pride month’s over, Omnath and their…
Don’t harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don’t like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
