Experts Weigh In: Card Leaks Way Too High Quality to Be Real
Richmond, VA — A series of images of upcoming Magic sets have leaked, and we’ve asked some leading experts in the field of digital forensics to examine and weigh in. Among their various reactions to us trespassing in FBI headquarters? “These are too high quality to be legit.”
“Usually when you find an image like this, it’s at a slight angle,” explained FBI digital forensics expert Cooper Starling. “This is a full, front-facing image that wouldn’t require any warping to edit. And if we load up the metadata…” Starling proceeded to run a complicated-looking command prompt to load up the file’s properties and continued, “You can see here that this file was last edited about 3 days ago using some manner of Adobe product. Also, Jace’s name has been misspelled as Juice. That might not mean anything, but I wouldn’t write it off, either. Is there anything else you wanted before you’re probably executed for treason?”
During our escape from the headquarters’ armed guards, we stopped to chat with another agent to get their opinion. Agent Scully Fox is an expert in small-scale corporate espionage and was gracious enough to let us hide under her desk. “Usually, when Magic leaks appear online, they’re typically out-of-focus and taken with outdated technology, such as a Nokia flip phone or a Game Boy Camera. This is usually because the image is being taken clandestine, either while sneaking into a Cartamundi facility or during preparation for a major event. Also, look at this,” she said while hacking into our phones to raise our screen’s brightness to absurd levels. “The print quality is too clean, too perfect. There’s no ink blots, text misalignment, or printer crimps. And the holostamp appears to actually be for Magic: The Gathering cards, not Pokemon or Supershow.” Tragically, our interview was then cut short by a hail of gunfire.
An indeterminate amount of time later, I was awakened with a bucket of water in a dark warehouse, tied to a chair in front of two muscular men in business casual and dark sunglasses. They proceeded to beat me mercilessly, without saying anything or stopping to breathe. One stepped forward and grabbed my hair, yanked my exhausted head back, and looked into my swollen eyes. “What are you here for?” In between bloody coughs and spat-up teeth, I managed to barely squeak out an explanation while the other agent rummaged through our confiscated items. “Oh. Really? Well, if that’s all…” The other agent stepped forward, grabbed the first by the shoulder, and pulled him away. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, as my eardrums had ruptured, and everything had turned to a dull ring. “No, yeah, this is real,” one of them finally explained. “Part of our internal investigations into Hasbro’s many, many crimes against humanity. Even more than Nestlé, somehow. We had groomed a lot of mentally divergent teenagers to get this intel. Thanks for being the final step in the chain.”
As one of them pulled out a service revolver, I struggled and begged. I tried explaining that I couldn’t finish two articles in a row with my supposed death, but he just shrugged as he pulled the trigger.
