Leaked Konami Documents Reveal “The Heart of the Cards” To Be An Actual Human Heart

Tokyo, Japan — Internal Konami documents recently leaked to us from an anonymous whistleblower reveal shocking news about the media company’s inner workings and future plans. They range from video game plot details, planned corporate restructuring, and disturbing new products coming down the line.

Former company executive and current arcade technician [REDACTED] shared these documents with us and allowed us a short interview. “It was after the news about the company-wide salary raise that I lost it,” he explained. “Everyone was getting a raise. EXCEPT ME! I used to be a big-shot in the company until Metal Gear Survive made them ‘restructure me’ to installing and servicing pachinko machines. I can’t believe that they just plain FORGOT about me! So fuck ’em, I’m airing all the dirty laundry they got.”

Sandwiched in between memos about how Rockstar stole their prototype for an open-world Sunset Riders reboot to turn it into Red Dead Redemption 2, and how Pyramid Head wasn’t actually a manifestation of James Sunderland’s grief and guilt and was really just a dude in a weird hat who really liked mannequins, were faxes sent between the company and the late manga artist Kazuki Takahashi. Takahashi-san explained his future plans for the manga were to explain how the “Heart of the Cards” was in fact the mummified heart of pharaoh Atem that had been ritualistically extracted following his death. Its magical powers were what allowed the hero to top-deck whatever bullshit he needed to win at the last moment.

Konami apparently had plans to release a life-sized plastic replica of the heart for $300 USD, to be packaged with a random assortment of card packs valued to be around $9.50 usd. Whether it conveyed magical powers was left vague in the fax.

“This shit goes deep,” [REDACTED] continued. “Do you want to know how we digitally replicated Hideo Kojima’s neural pathways, and then embedded them into a super computer that’s been steering the video game industry for the last decade?!” We declined. “Oh. Right, you probably only care about card games. Okay, so let me tell you about how the Fur Hire characters were actually vat-grown in an underground laboratory in eastern China. We attempted to cross-breed them with the Fairy Tails, but it just resulted in a massive explosion that we had to bribe the CCP to cover up…”

It was at this point in the interview that there were a small earthquake that was localized entirely around the abandoned car park where [REDACTED] had agreed to meet us. “Shit, they found me. Look, you need to tell the world about the upcoming Sparkster movie. YOU CAN’T LET ANYONE WATCH THE SPARKSTER MOVIE!” He took off running to one of the exits, but was blocked in by the sudden appearance of a group of unmarked white vans. “IT’S A PSY-OP! THEY’RE TRYING TO SELL JETPACKS TO THE MILITARY! PEOPLE CAN’T THINK THAT JETPACKS ARE COOL!!!”

We have been unable to verify any of [REDACTED]’s claims, as we have been on the run across international borders for the better part of a year.

[Ed. note: this article posthumously published in memory of the author, whose corpse was recently fished out of a waterway in Uganda.]