Tarot Reader Drawing Nothing but Lands Regrets Doing Reading for Magic Player

Jon Ruggiero • October 7, 2024

Satire

Phoenix, AZ - After trying in vain to start a fortune-telling business reading Magic: The Gathering cards, a local mystic is refusing to serve Magic clientele after a recent bizarre occurrence when her tarot deck kept drawing lands.

Ainsley Harmot, formerly known by her stage name Raffine, Scheming Seer

, is currently using her real name to perform exclusively tarot card readings after giving up Magic card readings. After doing a recent reading for a Magic fan, she's giving up any dealings with cards altogether.

"The mystic arts have spoken through me for years," claimed Harmot while organizing her extensive gem and crystal collection, "but I'm about at my wits' end with the spirits compelling me to read those damn Magic cards. I thought I was out when I finally discarded the last Midnight Hunt booster I had lying around, but the oddest thing happened last week after a former client came in.

"I was doing a reading for a Mr. Darcey, as he saw need for my services again, and I used a traditional tarot deck I bought at a Wal-Mart to connect with the spirits. As I'm about to dig into his future, I realized that rather than the Ace of Cups or Death card, I drew a Forest

. Thinking it must've been an error and trying again, I yet again revealed not a tarot card but a Terramorphic Expanse
.

"At this point I'm getting frustrated, since that's two lands in a row and I needed literally any other card to start reading his fortune. Imagine my surprise when a Vineglimmer Snarl

appeared as the next draw. I was furious at this point, and so was the customer. Luckily I had an automatic shuffling device I bought at a flea market last year.

"So I used the auto-shuffler, thinking it would help my lands issue, but it just made it worse. I tried the reading again and I drew an Island

three times! Recognizing that this was a bad sign, I refunded the gentleman and threw out the deck and the auto-shuffler and am exclusively going to do palm readings from now on."

After the interview, Ainsley performed a reading for Commander's Herald and claimed what she saw in our future was so awful she refused to tell us. The interview and reading took place on the morning of September 23rd, 2024.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.