Tarot Reader Using Magic Cards Sees Financial Ruin In Your Future

Jon Ruggiero • November 6, 2023

Pavel Danilyuk

Phoenix, AZ - A local mystic working a booth at the state fair has given readings of the future of customers using Magic: The Gathering cards, and the readings all involve some kind of financial trouble.

Soothsayer Ainsley Harmot, using the professional name Raffine, Scheming Seer, has been using various cards to perform readings over the years and noticed something peculiar whenever using Magic cards.

"Though I have the power to peer through depths, reach through mists, and sift through sands, the tools I use may be considered unspeakable to others," said Raffine, smelling vaguely of Nag Champa and seaweed. "Traditional mystics use tarot decks, and cartomancy practitioners use a deck of playing cards. I use some extra draft chaff to see into people's personal lives and glean what I can using my gift of Foresight. The problem is whatever I do, all I see is people throwing their money into a fire or spending $250 on a pauper deck."

A recent customer of Raffine's, Sam Darcey, spoke about why he got a reading, and why he was at the state fair in the first place.

"I heard someone was doing Magic card readings and knew I wanted one for myself," claimed Darcey while biting into a sugar-coated deep-fried cactus. "The fair is one of my favorite times of the year. I get to spend so much money on dangerous rides, unhealthy food, and games with prizes most likely made from asbestos. I wanted to get a card reading as soon as I saw the sign. I was absolutely shocked when I heard I was going to have problems with finance in the future: I'm usually so good with money! Now I'm probably only going to buy two collector boosters for Rivals of Ixilan."

As of press time, Raffine declared that she figured out a new scheme to sell premium foil readings for twice the price.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.