Pro-Life Protesters Swarm Pauper Tournament After Card is Banned Before Release

Naomi Krause • June 14, 2024

Satire
Use this one if you don't think they'll sue.

PISA, Italy - This week's Paupergeddon tournament should have been a safe haven for those penniless Magic players Welcome to the Black Parade was talking about. Instead, it's become an ideological battleground as 'Pro-Lifers' swarmed en masse to protest the preemptive banning of Cranial Ram.

Gavin Verhey has defended the decision, citing that it's much healthier for the format and will be safer for everyone. Contractors argue that circumstances shouldn't be taken into account at all and no card should ever be banned or errata'd.

"We weighed the pros and cons, and it was a heartbreaking, impossible decision," said Verhey. "We were worried that the unwanted artifact would fester inside of the format, potentially killing the entire thing. Ultimately we decided that the card was volatile and unviable."

The squabble is reminiscent of the massive protests in April 2020 that were definitely about Lutri, the Spellchaser and nothing else.

"I don't know what Magic: The Gathering means. I don't know what a Pauper is. I don't know where I am right now. If there's one thing I do know, it's that I should be the one making unilateral decisions on how others do their stuff," said Arnold Olmstead, head of the Ravnica Boros Church. "Even if it's healthier for the format and everyone involved, we don't care. Every card needs a chance to see play, even horrible, half-baked piece of shit r/custommagic cranial platings that nobody wants. Can you imagine if someone looked at Hogaak, Arisen Necropolis a single time during playtesting and thought it might be a bad idea? We would've missed out on the best two months of modern since Eldrazi Winter."

Several players walked around asking the protestors if they had any interest in supporting the cards should they become unbanned, who seemed confused by the idea of thinking ahead.

Tournament organizers assure us that the highest level judges are unbiased and able to look at the issue objectively. Can you imagine if they weren't? That'd be fucking crazy.