Magic Player Trying to Finish Deck Excitedly Clicks on "Singles In Your Area" Ad

Jon Ruggiero • January 9, 2024

Satire

Toledo, OH - Local gamer Edwin Skaclowski, anticipating a look at Magic: The Gathering cards available in his town, recently clicked on a "Singles In Your Area" internet advertisement to mixed results.

The ad, like similar ads for online dating sites, refers to "single" members of the site looking for a sexual relationship, not individual playing cards. Skaclowski recalls when he realized this.

"I'm in the middle of making my new Anim Pakal, Thousandth Moon

deck on EDHREC," explained Skaclowski while sitting with his new girlfriend, "And this ad pops up. I was already making a list of the cards I needed, y'know, staples like Impact Tremors
 and Reckless Fireweaver
. Then I see this ad for singles in my area and I think I'm in luck. Having just moved here recently, I'm like, 'Oh good, I don't know where the LGS around here is,' and click on it."

"Next thing I know, I've got a bunch of good-looking women all over my screen, some without clothes even. That's fine, I guess, but nowhere on that site could I find a listing for FNMs or anything. I don't know what half-naked women have to do with singles, other than Earthbind

, but that card is awful and the art's pretty rough, too. Thinking something was wrong, I start chatting to what I thought was customer support and it ended up being Cindy over here, who's now the love of my life. I just wish I knew where to get Cathars' Crusade
."

The website Skaclowski found, Singles-locator.cum, is run by owner/operator, Mr. Sandy Crunce. We contacted Mr. Crunce, who claims this mix-up happens more often than you'd think.

"I usually deal with antisocial lonely men on the daily, but these Magic guys are worse," said Crunce during a phone interview that we paid $5.99 a minute for. "Always asking me for cards and not understanding wordplay while I'm trying to run an illegitimate business. At this point, I might as well change into a card-selling business anyway and try my luck at the secondary market. I started looking into things and found out you can make some serious money with this game; did you hear how expensive Spellweaver Volute has gotten?"

Skaclowski stated he had planned to make a trip to a local Home Depot in order to get help from professionals on finishing the deck, then we explained why that was wrong, too.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.