Dockside Extortionist Denied Parole

COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence. 

"What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's done the same disruptive thing in every cEDH game for the past 5 years. I don't want to profile, but the crime is literally in his name. If Steve Manslaughter and Benedict Tax Evasion were walking around, how safe would you feel?" 

Dockside reportedly tried joining a gang with Biorhythm and Recurring Nightmare, bemoaning the agonizing length of his time stuck behind the bars of trade binders, before getting shanked with a d4.

The goblin apparently spent weeks preparing a dramatic speech for the committee after learning that his cellmate Panoptic Mirror was being released for some fucking reason and realizing that they'll just let anyone go.

"Unbanned? You know, I don't have any idea what that means. To me, it's just a made up word, a PR statement's word, so that fellas like yourself can wear a silly hat and a tie and have a job.  Unbanned? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, Verhey, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit."

The unmoved parole board immediately slammed the REJECTED stamp while Dockside flailed around wailing "Wait no not really."

It remains to be seen where Dockside Extortionist will ultimately end up, but considering they were later caught digging a tunnel behind a steamy poster of the anime Smothering Tithe in their cell, it's unlikely to be at a table near you anytime soon.