U.S. Department of Education Hires The Theorist Jace Beleren to Remove “Bad Parts” From US History
WASHINGTON, DC — In a press conference earlier today, the United States Department of Education announced they would be hiring The Theorist, the fragment of Jace Beleren’s persona responsible for the failed creation of the Echoverse, to help remove some of the more “un-American” parts of the nation’s history books.
“It’s unfortunate I wasn’t able to carry out my work on a Multiversal level,” The Theorist told reporters. “Too much interference from meddling outside parties, be it the LGBT Community, Furries, Environmentalists, my Exes, or the whiny little voice in my head telling me I can start over. Thanks to Mrs. McMahon, I can now show my theories on a smaller scale of changing some simple history books.”
“We feel American children aren’t getting the best of American education,” said Secretary of Education [exasperated sigh] and former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment Linda McMahon. “To that end, we’re eliminating anything that could possibly make our students sad. Mr. The Theorist and I have laid out a plan to rewrite American history without any of the things that make white people look bad.” Sec. McMahon would then present a chart listing several key facets of American History they were looking to eliminate.
“The Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and Jim Crow Era? Never happened. All those West Africans just came over on their own one day for all the great jobs. Pre-Columbian civilization? Nope, Europeans were the first ones here. The pilgrims had Thanksgiving with themselves.” The Theorist would not elaborate on how this would affect the timeline of such things as the Civil War or the US Constitution. “We’re just gonna let the new US History write itself. If any paradoxes come up, I’m sure they’ll work itself out. It’s not like I’M the one killing some kid’s dog or anything.”
The full list of historical events to be removed has some scratching their heads, however. The Monroe Doctrine, for example, is expected to remain in place, but the concept of Banana Republics is to be replaced. The “horrors of Polio” are listed as to be erased, but this seemingly also includes the entirety of the Franklin D. Roosevelt administration. Curiously, both AIDS and the COVID pandemics are not included, with The Theorist stating “some tragedies are inevitable to certain kinds of people.”
“Some will claim that this project has ulterior motives. The radical left will tell you removing The New Deal is just a political play for our GOP donors and does nothing to help the people of today. At the end of the day, we’re here to protect our children,” Sec. McMahon responded to a reporter’s question. When asked a follow-up if she was planning to use The Theorist to also undo her company’s involvement in a child sexual assault coverup, she ended the press conference early.
