Emrakul Seeks Parole Hearing After 10 Years in Moon

INNISTRAD – Emrakul, the Eldrazi titan responsible for invading Innistrad, Zendikar, and some amount of planes we can’t list because they now never existed, released a statement this week confirming her legal team’s efforts to secure a parole hearing.

“As an extraplanar being unbounded by time, I have spent the terrestrial equivalent of eternity reflecting on the harm I caused ten years ago. While I do not expect the reverence nor trust of the individuals affected by my actions, I hope our collective faith in the rehabilitative powers of the criminal justice system may lead to my timely release.”

Following the announcement, an Unruly Mob formed in protest. “We’ve had a lot of grim misfortune thrust upon us by bad actors and forces of nature. We aren’t about to forgive one of the worst culprits that easily!” one participant shouted. “This is not how justice works on Innistrad! When a werewolf terrorizes a town, we get rid of it permanently! Cathars concealed carry stakes while off duty just in case of a vampire attack. I know demons who were locked in the Helvault way longer than ten years for giving a guy the flu. Releasing her would mean we might need to think about our reckless use of retaliatory force and our stance on the death penalty.”

At the time of her original sentencing, there was no indication Emrakul would be receiving any chance at parole or release. “To be quite honest,” sentencing official Tamiyo admitted, “I don’t really know why I chose to put her in the Moon, or even how I did it. It’s not like I have a key or something that would let her out, so I’m not entirely confident I could let her out even if I wanted to.”

The titan’s legal team affirms they just need Tamiyo to be on the plane for fifteen minutes to facilitate a release, “and she doesn’t need to do anything, Emrakul will take care of it.”

Skeptics have long suggested she’s never truly been Imprisoned in the Moon. “I think she put herself there,” a Veteran Cathar explained. “She’s just taking an eldritch nap while we all sit complacently as if we’re safe. She can probably leave whenever she feels like it. Are we really supposed to trust the words of someone we can’t fully comprehend? The only person I ever gave my full faith to was Archangel Avacyn, and even she wasn’t exactly who I thought she was.”

The major argument for release lies in reintegration to society. “When I first set my sight on Innistrad, I was welcomed by rituals, chants, and monuments. In my naivete as a young, ageless being, I mistook these malicious invitations as permission to sculpt the plane to my liking. As the Gatewatch has shown me, I must take responsibility for my actions. I believe my otherworldly powers can be used constructively, and I’d like to give back to the communities I’ve harmed. If ever a plane is dying off, harboring invasive threats, or branching into a fractured multiverse, I can remove it from existence for the good of the people. I may be unfathomable to the mortal mind, but I’m willing to respectfully engage in mortal politics.”

Residents of the nearby plane Avishkar have voiced sympathy for the titan. “Liberation is a huge part of our modern political movement,” one such resident told us. “We’ve had to stave off a lot of threats to reach this point – Crime lords, corrupt politicians, the police state, the phyrexians… While we empathize with the people of Innistrad, we take a strong opposition to any unilateral authority regardless of who controls the reins.”

Some locals voiced concerns regarding how exactly Emrakul is speaking with her lawyers. “If she’s all the way up to the Moon, wouldn’t we be able to see someone travelling up and back? I don’t think any of the angels can fly that high, and there’s no spacecraft on this plane as far as I’m aware. And if someone was going up there and speaking with her, I’ve never known anyone who even barely glanced at her that didn’t go a bit mad. Are we so sure her lawyers aren’t some crazed cultists like the ones that summoned her in the first place?”

While her lawyers refused to comment, an anonymous theorist suggested “a human-gorgon woman is telepathically communicating with her for nefarious, backstabbing reasons. They have little chats in her bedroom.” He then mumbled, “and technically she’s not real… I made her up in my mind which is why I know all this… I shouldn’t be telling you any of this.”

Editor’s note: None of our reporters remember speaking with said theorist, nor do they remember writing the paragraph above. The fact that it exists seems reason enough to report it.