500 Lucky Lowryn Eclipsed Prerelease Attendants Unbox Serialized, Suffering Turtles

MANHATTAN, NY – A handful of fortunate Magic players were surprised this past weekend while opening their Lorwyn Eclipsed prerelease kits to find something from outside of the set entirely: living box turtles stuffed inside with serial numbers stapled to them.

This latest promotion feels like a slap in the face to some, but a pleasant surprise to others.

“It was so cool!” said May O’Reilly, a lucky 10 year old unboxer who recently came down with unrelated salmonella. “Dad didn’t want to get us a pet, and now he’s locked into a 25 to 80 year commitment! Thanks Wizards!”

Several players were annoyed after getting something that has nothing to do with Lorwyn in their box of Lorwyn cards, while others were simply relieved to find the turtles weren’t sealed in plastic.

“Honestly what bugs me most is how unrelated it is.” said guy who bitches about card games Mike Angelo. “When my Spider-Man kit was full of spiders, or my Duskmorne kit was full of spiders, or my bathtub at home was full of spiders, things made sense. Wait your damn turn.”

This event comes as little surprise to many considering Wizards of the Coast has come under fire for similar irresponsible promotions in the past, most notably the addition of crude oil to Aetherdrift kits that led to the US military invading several local game stores.

Chris Cox, head of stupid shit at Wizards, remains undeterred in the face of this criticism.

“Look, when you put out as much product as we do, we’re gonna make a few mistakes.” Said Cox hehe that sounds like penis. “Sometimes it’s a few “misplaced” promos, sometimes it’s trafficking live animals. Just be glad those dudes didn’t eat the spindowns.”

The reptiles were reportedly kept in inhumane conditions, trapped inside of small, unventilated boxes not at all designed to house living creatures. In other words, only slightly better than PetSmart.