Trump Sends National Guard to New York After Seeing Spider-Man, TMNT Magic Cards
Washington, D.C. – During one of his usual incomprehensible and rambling speeches, 34-time convicted felon and former star of The Apprentice Donald Trump announced that he will be sending the National Guard to yet another city.
The deployment was made because Trump has been spending the past few days drafting Marvel’s Spider-Man Universes Beyond, and witnessing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Magic card spoilers from New York Comic-Con this past weekend. Due to these factors he now believes mythical creatures and fantastical villains have overtaken the city.
“It’s despicable what the villains have done,” slurred Trump through the press briefing he gave to media outlets like Guns Over Kids Digest, KKK Today, and Fox News. “I just spent a good few hours getting a briefing on the horrible things happening in the Big Apple. Bad things happening to good people because of bad people, a real shame. My men, these good men, the best men I can get, they handed me pictures of these bad people, and some good people, of course there were some good people like Mary Jane Watson in there, but it was a bunch of pictures of bad people. I took the person I liked the most and passed the pack, but I knew, because of the impressive thoughts that I have, these big impressive thoughts, they told me who were the good guys, and I chose them, sent the rest along, got another batch, but I always found the good guys, you can ask anyone.
“I got these pictures, the pictures of these men on silver gliders, throwing pumpkin bombs, causing general mayhem, causing me to discard cards. It’s a bad situation. Are these goblins, green and other colors, are they from other countries? Where are they from? And you’ve seen these pictures out of the comic-con, whatever that is, these bad things like giant turtle men and Krang. What does Wizards of the Coast know, those coastal elites, making the cards with the pretty pictures, warning me, because of course they come to me, the president, a big and important position, telling me ‘oh look at these bad men, these teenage turtles are learning bad things. Very bad things from places like Japan and China’ and I have to tell them ‘it’s ok, I can fix your problems with my toys’, y’know, my tanks and my guys, the military, big and powerful, gonna stop these turtles from doing bad things, you’ll see. I’ll send them in and things will get done quickly, goodbye Krang, Master Mind, goodbye turtles. Finally, I’ve been trying to get rid of those things since I saw that documentary about them in the eighties.”
At press time, reporters were allowed to come up one by one and lick Trump’s foot for a chance to get in the front row of the next speech.
