Standard Magic Player Furiously Destroys Neighbor’s Witch Cauldron Decoration

Bend, OR – A fan of the Standard format of Magic: The Gathering found himself in hot water this week after police found him destroying a witch’s cauldron decoration in his neighbor’s yard.

The vat vandalism went down when local man Tate Grimsbold was walking home after an unsuccessful game at his local game store, losing to multiple players’ Agatha’s Soul Cauldron decks.

“Yeah the sight of that bullshit just set me off,” lamented Grimsbold via his daily phone call from prison. “I had just come from Recency Games’ Standard event, which as usual only wrangled six people to play. Not like any of those six were original, all of those assholes were playing variations of Vivi Cauldron. A man can only stare at some pointy-hat dipshit hitting him and creating boatloads of mana, or worse, popping that pointy had in a fucking cauldron and letting any creature wear it and do degenerate shit.

“So yeah, I’m coming home and the neighbors have their fucking decorations out again. I saw another big-hat mage doing shit with a cauldron and I just went crazy, broke the hell out of it. But I’m totally justified, this shit happens every year! My previous neighbors Dale and Tina always had to make Halloween decorations based on whatever broken bullshit had seeped into Standard that year. The one year they put a whole bunch of zombies in their yard when Field of the Dead got banned, there were black cat decorations all over when that shitty Cauldron Familiar ran rampant, and the year The Meathook Massacre got so popular Tina was arrested for murdering Dale in a really gruesome way. Yet these new people that moved in couldn’t help keeping up the bullshit tradition, I got mad, and now I’m here. And like, who the hell knows when I’ll get to play Magic again?”

Though he eventually found and met with the prison’s Magic group, Grimsbold was placed in solitary confinement after attacking another inmate who managed to put together a Vivi Cauldron deck.