Report: Rep. McCarthy to Impeach President Over Hunter Biden's Use of Limited Resources

Jon Ruggiero • September 18, 2023

Satire

Washington, D.C. - Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy outlined his case for impeaching Joe Biden by claiming the President's son Hunter used an illegal card in a Commander game of Magic: The Gathering.

McCarthy, who has nothing better to do with his time, released a "damning" video during a press conference earlier last week.

"One of the many pieces of evidence of impropriety we discovered on Hunter's laptop includes SpellTable footage of a game of Commander he engaged in with some friends," explained McCarthy while trying to look as important as possible, and failing. "Hunter was seen on-screen with 'an illicit white substance', which we discovered was the banned white enchantment Limited Resources

. It is a shame that family members of the President can so easily make a mockery of the American justice system and the Rules Committee. Hunter's egregious use of the banned card and relation to a Democrat prove he must be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

In the video, Biden plays the card on turn three of the game, eliciting groans from the other players. After winning the match one opponent, Hunter's friend Greg Ruddnest, contacts Biden and confirms the card is banned in Commander format. Biden says in audio picked up in the video, "Oh man, I must've been fucked up when I made the deck and forgot to check the list, sorry dude".

"How can we be certain where Hunter got that card?" McCarthy angrily shouted. "Sure, Limited Resources

is less than 60 cents on Card Kingdom, easily purchasable to anyone with an internet connection, but how do we know where it came from? Maybe that's Joe's deck he's playing in the video! How far has the President gone to outfit his son with the best and most degenerate pieces of cardboard in Commander?"

McCarthy went on to say "the American people deserve answers to questions this video brings up: Why does Hunter Biden get to have a free pass when it comes to Commander cards? Will Joe Biden use an executive order to take that debilitating enchantment off the ban list? Can I remain in power even when I try something as ineffective as this to smear Biden's name? We will only know once Joe Biden is completely and utterly removed from his unearned position as President of The United States of America."

As of press time, no Republican lawmaker has backed up McCarthy's impeachment inquiry because they have no idea what Magic: The Gathering is.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.