Parents Announce Divorce By Spoiling Mom//Dad Split Card

Jon Ruggiero • February 12, 2024

Satire

Dover, NJ - Local parents Doug and Maude Clover notified friends and family of their crumbling marriage by revealing a Magic: The Gathering split card showcasing each individual parent.

The card, Mom//Dad, was spoiled in a card reveal live-streamed on Twitch during a family dinner, as each parent showed off their respective half of the card.

"Frankly this is a long time coming," said left side of the card Maude Clover. "We've been in a relationship since high school and never dated anyone but each other. That can work for some people, but for others it gets to wear on you. We tried to spice things up by getting into Magic and playing cEDH together during the pandemic, but instead of bringing us together it's just made us grow apart.

"We keep getting into petty arguments over cards. How am I supposed to be married to a man that thinks the fast mana of Sol Ring

is too powerful and shouldn't be included in Commander precons? This isn't the first Magic-related argument we've had, but it's the straw that broke the camel's back. That's why I'm proud to preview my half of the split card, Mom: 3 G/W G/W Sorcery. Create a food token for each creature you control, then gain a life for each token you control. This represents how much good I've done for this family, even if I don't get the recognition I deserve for it."

Mom//Dad is being regarded as a powerful new common that will shake up the pauper landscape, and a powerful message regarding an event that will shake up the Clover family landscape. Doug Clover also had a chance to speak during the livestream.

"The Screeching Harpy

I once called my wife is correct," explained the right half of the card, "we cannot see eye to eye anymore. I know the pain and anguish this will cause, but I have to do what's right for me, and that's get away from someone who thinks Braids, Cabal Minion
 should be unbanned. So I'm happy to announce my card, Dad: 3 B/R B/R Sorcery. Create three Treasure tokens, then add B equal to the tokens you control. Yes, I know it's broken, but so is our marriage."

Wizards of The Coast also revealed during the Twitch presentation that a Secret Lair version of the Mom//Dad card was being produced, with photos from their wedding day as the art.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.