New Magic Rule Explains Loot Commits A Crime By Existing

Jon Ruggiero • April 10, 2024

Satire

Renton, WA - A change was made to the recent Outlaws of Thunder Junction Release Notes as Wizards of The Coast announced a rule regarding the new legendary creature Loot, the Key to Everything

: his very existence is a crime.

A new mechanic introduced in Thunder Junction cares about whether you target something of your opponent's, or "commit a crime". After online fans reacted to the character Loot, a rules change has been made for Magic's new horrible and furry child.

"If Loot, the Key to Everything

is your commander, on the battlefield, or in your hand, graveyard, or library, he's actively committing a crime," explained the Release Notes post on the Magic website. "To encourage playing him, Loot will have a day-one eratta to include an Eminence ability that works in any zone and says 'Whenever you or an opponent remember that Loot exists, you commit a crime. Do this only once per turn.'"

While Loot might not be appealing to some players, WotC representative Trent Crosby is a fan of the new character and led the team to make the change.

"Personally I love the Key to Everything and his League-of-Legends-esque design," explained Crosby while getting ganked mid lane. "But the team realized when designing him that he would be a polarizing figure; you'll either love him because he's a cute and fluffy guy or you'll be disgusted that he looks like a rejected Disney design for a sibling of Stitch. Hopefully this rules change will make players hate Loot less, at least enough to purchase the new $20 Loot plushies now available through select retailers."

At press time, Wizards announced it would create an even cuter, more Grogu-like figure as a mascot within the next fiscal year just to spite Loot critics.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.