Man Can't Play Annoying Vampire Deck Unless His Opponents Invite Him To

Naomi Krause • February 17, 2025

Satire

SPOONER, WI - Chris Steward was excited to play his convoluted Edgar Markov

Vampire combo deck on Commander night but found himself unable to pull it out unless the playgroup formally invited the presence into their game.

Said controversial deck is built around Eminence, the elegant mechanic lauded for its interactivity. Edgar gives them a free Vampire every time you cast a Vampire, and we stan an mpreg king. The muddled pile of tutors and desperation aims to find Phyrexian Altar

and Oathsworn Vampire
 as quickly as possible to infinitely sacrifice the father son duo before paying it off with a Blood Artist.

Steward's playgroup came to loathe the deck and insisted Chris only play it when everyone's up for it/needs a nap.

"I don't mind combos," said Chris's friend Pobert Rattinson, "but every game he just tutors and stax'x's us out with Drannith Magistrate

and Humility
 so he can sit there using Edgar's hand to jerk himself off while we can't play cards. We needed to draw a line."

Stewart, known for his deathly pale complexion and only playing at night because he wakes up at 3:30 pm most days, has not taken to the regulations well.

"Yeah, those dorks set up a bunch of house rules just for me," said Chris as blood dripped from his teeth. "Ugh, sorry, just flossed for the first time since 2004. Anyways, 'You can only play that deck if everyone agrees and lets it in, you can't eat garlic bread then rub your greasy ass hands over everyone's cards, and no crossing running water'. God, I fell into the creek with Rattinson's trade binder ONE TIME and they never let me live it down.

Stewart's other restrictions include only playing Tovolar, Dire Overlord

on a full moon, Talrand, Sky Summoner
 at high tide, and Liliana, Heretical Healer
 never because he's afraid of intimacy.

"It's just so boooring," said another player shuffling up Atraxa Superfriends. "Last time he Teferi's Protection

ed, I shoved a clove of garlic down his windpipe and he started choking. How's that for protection, dick?"

It remains to be seen how effective a stake through the heart is, but if Chris plays one more Smothering Tithe

, we're bound to find out.

Naomi Krause

Naomi Krause

Head of the Cephalid Advisory Group, which somehow outlived the Commander one??? follow @naomeatmybutt.bsky.social to see when i put my journalism degree to good use by publishing more card game peepee jokes