Leyline Drawn After Opening Hand Perfect Metaphor For My Relationship With My Parents

Naomi Krause • January 5, 2024

Satire

Louisiana, MI - After drawing into Leyline of Anticipation

on the first turn of the game, thus being unable to put it onto the battlefield for free, the realization dawned that this is exactly how my parents must feel about me: disappointed I didn't live up to an impossible standard of being in the top 7 out of 100 every single day.

When interviewed about the comparison, my parents didn't listen and told me they didn't remember anything, before eventually dusting off their old Pre-EDH decks to elaborate.

"Every time we draw them outside of our opening hand," began Not Single Mother holding a Leyline of Abundance

, "we laugh and call them an embarrassment for not perfectly fitting our ideal plan. Just like how I got angry and called you an embarrassment every time you cried as a literal goddamn toddler. We don't actually care if our mana dorks tap for one more or our kids are able to healthily express emotions, we just want everyone else to think we have our shit together."

"We paid the 39 cents, that means we get to do whatever we want to them. If I want to reveal them from my turn one hand, out them publicly in a way they specifically asked me not to and call them abject failure the one time they opened up to me, I should be allowed to. My deck, my rules." 

The Angry Guy From Inside Out If He Was Homophobic, resident father figure of the establishment, continued the explanation.

"They didn't turn out exactly as we would've liked," began A.G.F.I.O.I.H.W.H. "So as soon as we weren't in public, I yelled at them, told them I wasn't yelling at them when they asked me to stop, then discarded them to a Torment of Hailfire

I easily could've paid life for to teach them a lesson. That's just how the game is played."

"Others may look at our damaged card and say, 'Why couldn't you at least put a sleeve on it? That's, like, the bare fucking minimum protection. Now it's all scuffed up forever.' Look, our parents didn't put penny sleeves on us, and their parents did the same to them. If that's not the proper way to raise your kids, that means our entire lives have been built on a fundamentally broken foundation of generational trauma we were unwilling to work on. That can't be true, so show up pregame with a Llanowar Elves

in hand every single day or else you're a lazy fucking disgrace."

Naomi Krause

Naomi Krause

Head of the Cephalid Advisory Group, which somehow outlived the Commander one??? follow @naomeatmybutt.bsky.social to see when i put my journalism degree to good use by publishing more card game peepee jokes