Kash Patel Claims “Another Case Closed” After Sacrificing Clue Token

Washington, D.C. – Former director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, current acting director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and sycophant Kash Patel claimed another investigative victory this week during a game of Magic: The Gathering.

Along with the claim that he caught Charlie Kirk’s alleged shooter after the shooter had already been turned into authorities, Patel also claimed victory over “another case” by sacrificing a Clue with his Alquist Proft, Master Sleuth deck.

“Look at me, I’m just like Alquist,” exclaimed Patel in a shrill cheer while flashing a toothy and inauthentic smile. “First I solved the big case of who killed my best friend in the whole wide world, Rev. Charlie Kirk. Then I correctly determined that Jeffery Epstein only had sex with young women by himself and no one else. Now I figured out how to draw a card off this artifact token. I’m probably one of the best investigative minds this world’s ever seen, at least since the brilliant former agent Fox Mulder. Man, that guy was so cool, I wish I was half the agent he was!”

Patel was addressing the Commander group he was playing who were all incarcerated green card holders forced to play with the FBI director.

“Also, I want to thank you guys for playing with me! I didn’t know much about Magic before Charlie and J.D. turned me on to it. Those guys taught me so much stuff, things I can’t even tell you about without a subpoena. Mostly they taught me Magic, and it’s my favorite game now! All the spells, all the creatures, and all you need to play is a bunch of money to construct Vivi-Cauldron or spend $1000 to have a competitive Commander deck. Luckily I have a bunch of money because whenever Trump tells me to do something and I listen he gives me a quarter.”

At press time Patel snagged yet another victory by remembering he left his phone in the Five Guys bathroom after losing it earlier in the week.