BREAKING: New Simic Commander Lets You Draw a Card AND Play an Extra Land

Naomi Krause • August 25, 2023

Satire
Alterations by Naomi Krause if you want to pay me to make photoshop edits please email me i am so poor :(
Transgress the Mind
 | Art by Cynthia Sheppard

 

THE TUNNELS UNDERNEATH YOU - In an earth-shattering announcement, Wizards of the Coast has spoiled a new legendary Simic creature that simultaneously draws an extra card and puts a land from your hand onto the battlefield. This unprecedented development has caused pandemonium in the streets, with an estimated death toll in the thousands.

"It's straight out of left field," said longtime super fan of the guild, Naomi Krause, while boarding up her underground bunker. "When I picture Simic, I picture weird mutants and +1/+1 counter shenanigans, not drawing and playing extra lands. This isn't just going to change Magic, it's going to change the world."

While some Commander players have managed to stay in their seats and only shit their pants a little bit after hearing the news, others have not fared as well. Multiple game stores have reported Azusa, Lost but Seeking

deck owners have begun to froth at the mouth and bite their opponents after being driven mad by the impossible prospect of playing a Simic Landfall deck.

Mark Rosewater, lead Magic designer and sole living Wizards employee, elaborated on why he chose to take the color pair in such a dramatic new direction.

"The experiment all started when we noticed that not enough people were playing Thrasios, Triton Hero

, especially in cEDH," explained Rosewater while hammering nails into a baseball bat. "We were in the middle of designing a cool new legendary creature with amazing lore and a fresh plane to explore. Then we just stapled an Explore
 to her and went home early, classic top-down design."

Commander's Herald also discovered a secret envelope of Rosewater's containing a box cutter, a diary that says he plans on eating us, and tentative design notes about a legendary Boros creature that cares about Equipment, of all things. May god have mercy on us all.

Naomi Krause

Naomi Krause

Head of the Cephalid Advisory Group, which somehow outlived the Commander one??? follow @naomeatmybutt.bsky.social to see when i put my journalism degree to good use by publishing more card game peepee jokes