Trump Appoints Nicol Bolas to New Department of “Just Plain Evil”
Washington, D.C. — President Trump will be appointing notorious former planeswalker and current antagonist Nicol Bolas to the new, not-yet-established Department Of Just Plain Evil, as announced in a press release earlier today.
“Nicky Bolas is a great guy, such a great guy,” said Trump. “He did an amazing job killing the gods of Amonkhet and creating all of those jobs–so many jobs!–for the Eternals. Then he got treated so unfairly by all the planeswalkers in Ravnica. Y’know it’s a terrible city, Ravnica, just terrible. They say it’s a sanctuary city for illegal interplanar immigrants, run by the radical left pro-gay dragon, Niv-Mizzet. Y’know, I liked him better when he was only two colors. Two colors, folks, there’s only…”
President Trump’s statement continued for another twenty minutes, but has been truncated for brevity.
“It is my pleasure and privilege to be working with President Trump and his administration to continue performing acts of horrible evil all throughout the Multiverse,” said Bolas, after Trump’s inane ramble that was at best vaguely associated with Bolas’ upcoming appointment. “We met many years ago through our mutual friend, Jeffrey Epstein. A terrible loss that occurred while I was imprisoned by my wretched brother in my own Meditation Realm. He was a useful ally, Jeffrey. I was devastated to hear of his untimely assassination.”
An aide then ran up to Bolas and whispered into his ear for a few moments. Bolas let him finish, nodded, then bit the man’s head off on national television, and corrected: “Suicide, of course. Not an assassination. A slip of the tongue, you understand.”
Bolas then glared menacingly at the assembled press, and those of us who did not immediately nod were magically burned from the inside out and turned to ash.
“Mr. Bolas will be working closely with President Trump and his cabinet members to, in his own words, ‘bring despair and death to all who oppose him,'” said a White House press representative. “With the help of his self-appointed aide, Stephen Miller, we expect Mr. Bolas to accomplish great things.”
“It is going to be such a privilege to be working with Mr. Bolas–he truly is a master at performing vicious and horrible acts of cruelty that benefit nothing and no one, so he and I get along quite well,” said Miller, who we initially thought to be under some sort of mind-control spell by Bolas–but our Commander’s Herald on-staff telepaths informed us that there is no spell, and he really does just think that way. “Mr. Bolas has also promised me that if I serve him above all others, he will grant me power beyond my wildest dreams. So I’m really looking forward to wielding that power with an iron fist over the world of darkness he is sure to create.”
When asked about this supposed promise and whether it may be a conflict of interest, Bolas had this to say: “What? Oh, yes, of course. Yes, Stephen shall absolutely be given power beyond his wildest dreams, with no betrayal involved whatsoever. I always keep my word.”
