Wizards of the Coast & TCGplayer Host Charity Drive For Employees
THE ORPHAN KILLING MACHINE – Corporate champions of the working class Wizards of the Coast & TCGplayer are being praised for organizing a small Magic tournament this week with the goal of raising funds for those who need it most, their workers.
The event, advertised with depressing commercials of trading card graders chained to their stations while a Sarah McLachlan song plays in the background, pitted Wizards of the Coast personnel against those from TCGplayer. The teams playing for the noble causes of Wizards of the Coast and TCGplayer respectively.
Both companies donated $25,000 to their respective causes, which is more than the average TCGplayer staffer makes in a decade. Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks was ecstatic about the accomplishment.
“With your help, we raised thousands for charity.” said Cocks after dumping $1.3 million into creating an AI Mr. Potato Head. “Really goes to show that if we work together, you can accomplish anything. I mean we, we can accomplish anything, yeah. Someone’s gotta help these poor fellas out, might as well be [your empathy channeled into tax deductions for] me.”
Long suffering workers of both companies took a break from eating Heroes of the Realm cards for survival to express gratitude towards the companies’ generosity.
“‘Tis a wonderful thing to hear good news for once!” said TCGplayer worker & Dickensian street urchin Keppler Chinup. “Things’ve been bleak ever since we lost ol’ Jimminy to the union busters & Carl to the black lung, so being sent $4 and a damaged pack of Ninja Turtle cards really brightened my day it did! Why, Mister Cocks says if we work real hard & get real lucky, we might even get a pizza party!”
TCGplayer, known for firing their HR person and replacing them with an AI chatbot that wears her discarded face like a mechanical skinwalker, jumped at the opportunity to help.
“Our employees are our family, which means we’re legally obligated to feed them sometimes,” said TCGplayer executive George Penis. “They need all the help they can get. I mean, not from us, but from customers whose money we don’t have yet. These poor people generate millions of dollars in revenue & are used to being laid off at a moment’s notice without any kind of safety net, it’s terrible. I just wish we could stamp out the root cause of their suffering somehow.”
The grand spectacle of eight coworkers playing card games on a folding table was meticulously organized over a period of several months. Apparently original plans were to give everyone boxcutters and glowsticks before locking the doors & turning off the lights, but PR decided to go in a slightly different direction.
(psst, go donate to Extra Life or the International Crane Foundation or something & don’t give the billion dollar companies or our thirty-seven dollar one credit for your kindness, it’s a really funny joke haha)
