Wizards Of The Coast Send Ringwraith To Track Down Card Leaker

Naomi Krause • June 26, 2023

Nazgûl | Art by Nino Is.

COLUMBUS, OH - Prolific cardboard hucksters Wizards of the Coast made waves this week with the totally rational decision to send Khamûl The Easterling armed with an ancient ring of power after a small child who accidentally received an early shipment of Tales of Middle Earth packs shared some with their friends.

Many have questioned the decision, suggesting logical alternatives like sending Lawyers or Eagles or something, but their pleas fall upon deaf ears.

"We believe we were well within our rights to send an ancient assassin to intimidate the small folk into returning our property." said Wizards spokespeople. "I don't care if the cards ended up in their hands via accidental mail or through the exertion of ancient evil willing itself to be discovered at the bottom of a river. It belongs to us and we must haves it back."

The recipient of the cards, 9 year old Michelle Baxter, has been in hiding from the actual god damn murderers for weeks. "My uncle ordered some cards for his birthday and gave me a few. When I shared a blurry photo taken with a 2004 cell phone camera, it was like a beacon lit that called nefarious powers towards me. Ever since then,I've been on the run. They could've just asked for them back but noooo let's send the Úlairi who embody the dying age of man."

"I mean personally it seemed like overkill." said Khamûl, Nazgûl rider of death on his coffee break. "We're used to setting innocent civilians and their families ablaze for daring to resist the will of our masters, but c'mon it's just cardboard. I didn't sign a dark pact with an evil entity just to chase down trading cards."

As of press time, multiple dark riders grievously wounded the card bearer before getting scared off when some homeless dude threatened them with fire, causing the group to unanimously say "**** this."

Naomi Krause is a weirdo Cephalid lady who writes jokes about card games and desperately craves your approval due to an emotionally abusive upbringing. She also loves crabs!