Trump Outlines Plans to Remain Monarch After Combat Damage

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump today announced that he refuses to give up the status of monarch, even though many agree he took political damage from the war in Iran.

In Magic: The Gathering rules designated during the release of Conspiracy in 2014, a player can become the monarch but loses that status when they take damage in combat.

“I’ve never been damaged by anything ever and anyone saying otherwise is fake news,” slurred Trump during the White House briefing he made to yell at the press. “We have already won the Iran War, and are on track to win it again three more times this week. But it’s not a week it’s a strong because we’re not weak, we are a strong country thanks to what I’ve done. Amazing things, people say, that I’ve done. I’ve become the monarch, I get to draw extra cards, and just for the hell of it I’m gonna make a treasure every turn, who says I can’t?”

Justice Department Head Todd Blanche was on hand to confirm Trump’s claims and clean up after any spills the President made.

“What our monarch said is true:” Blanche weakly announced, “even if he was to suffer a military loss, which he has never and will never do, it is impossible for anyone with the last name Trump to lose their status in this country, whether they are the monarch, or they have the city’s blessing, or are venturing through the dungeons where they keep their smuggled children. Whether those are the actual rules or not I will do everything in my power and use the full might of the DOJ to make whatever Trump says true and bend the comprehensive rules to his whims.”

As with any major dispute regarding Magic rules, we called a judge to assist.

“No, that’s not at all how that works,” explained LGS judge Chance Garfo. “A player will lose their monarch status if they take combat damage, and I’ll enforce that no matter who’s got it. Also for those that don’t know, if a monarch loses a game not through damage in a multiplayer game, the next person in turn order becomes the monarch. That’s not relevant, I’m just a rules nerd and I think that’s neat! But remember, just because he’s a monarch now doesn’t mean he’ll be one forever, and frankly that is something we have to keep in mind if we want to make it through these next two years.”

At press time Trump began assembling contraptions in an attempt to take over the Strait of Hormuz.