Tragic: Beautiful Art Used For Crappiest Magic Card You've Ever Seen

Naomi Krause • July 1, 2023

Storm the Seedcore | Art by Jason Rainville

 

SEATTLE, WA - In a calamity that rivals the eruption of Pompeii, a Magic: the Gathering artist poured their heart and soul into a gorgeous creation only for Wizards of the Coast to assign said art to an underwhelming, rehashed Overrun that nobody cares about.

"Not every card needs to depict a masterpiece" said artist Jason Rainville, probably while being coerced at gunpoint, "But when someone knocks it out of the park on chaff that's never seen outside of the late picks at draft night, it's reprehensible".

Storm the Seedcore is a mediocre sorcery that gives trample and vigilance to your creatures with a handful of +1/+1 pennies to toss at the peasants. Lawyers have been in court since the announcement, decrying the waste of beauty on such garbage as "A crime against humanity" and "Definitely the worst thing Wizards has done this year."

"The art director is a cruel and vindictive god," said terrified intern Bailey Lynch. "He had us collect the divine piece, grant the public a fleeting glance at its splendor, then damned it to an unplayable sorcery. What benevolent deity could allow such a travesty? Was the Faithless Looting Mystical Archive not abhorrent enough?"

 

 

Trauma counselors are urging players that the next time they see a fun legendary creature with art out of a PS2 instruction manual, they should try their hardest not to remember this breathtaking magnum opus with at least two different named characters wasting away.

"Look, yous lot gets what yous get." said Wizards senior art director Ovidio Cartagena while rolling tobacco into an uncut sheet of Rebecca Guay originals. "We pick 'em up from the art mines and toss 'em at a dart board to see wheres theys goes. Sometimes we put out a sexy-ass Knight of Obligation, sometimes we put out a Fatal Push where the dude ain't even getting pushed, just kicked. That's how life works, kids. Keep whining and I'll abolish the Reserved List, but make sure every reprint looks just like Blistering Barrier."

As of press time, Wizards have announced no plans to reverse their decision and have decreed that Jesper Ejsing will only be allowed to work on crappy precon dual lands from now on.



i hate bios. i love nature preserves. if you're actually reading this go donate a dollar to the International Crane Foundation http://savingcranes.org