Serial Killer Who Leaves Calling Cards On Victims Has Horrible Mana Base

Naomi Krause • February 16, 2024

Satire

SUPERIOR, WI - Citizens of northern Wisconsin are quaking in their winter boots as a killer known only as the "Tap Land Slasher" has racked up a body count of seventeen while placing terrible calling cards that really should have been upgraded by now on the defiled bodies of his victims.

"At first we figured it was your usual random card-game-related stabbings," said Sheriff's Deputy Charlie Shuuctz-Daags when reached for comment. "Someone drops Sol Ring

on turn one, the group guts them like they're Julius Caesar and runs away, leaving a few blood-soaked cards on the table. You know, typical LGS prize pool Commander night chicanery."

"As the bodies piled up, we started to notice a troubling pattern."

"The first vic had an Untaidake, the Cloud Keeper

sticking out of his chest. Whatever, someone's playing budget legends. Next vic was sitting pretty next to Temple of the False God
. That's a bit more politically charged, but still just a crap land nobody should run. Then we found Badlands
 on an inside out guy and were relieved, only to realize after forensics had a look that it was actually a Cinder Marsh
. We knew then that we were dealing with one sick son of a bitch."

The FBI profile places the killer as a single male in his mid to late 20s who was given a shitty precon as a child and hasn't been able to process that trauma. The agency has been diligently monitoring purchases of notable crap such as Sorrow's Path and Coral Atoll, but have yet to find a trail.

FBI press secretary Namine Backgammon is at her wit's end with the case.

"We're dealing with some kinda criminal mastermind," said Backgammon. "He isn't going for Sorrow's Path

or any other meme lands, he's using the lost to time crap you've never even heard of. Last scene had a Nomad Stadium
, for Christ's sake. Man's a ghost."

Several members of law enforcement have either transferred or quit after witnessing the untapped horrors of an exsanguinated corpse next to a playset of Tomb of Urami

.

Police have reached out to the public for tips, but so far they've all led to dead ends.

"We had one promising lead come in," said officer Schuuctz-Daugs. "Heard it was a warm one with some Kamigawa land jutting outta their mouth. Thought it was too good to be true, and sure 'nuff we roll up to the scene and it turned out to just be a Hall of the Bandit Lord

where the vic's tongue used to be. Hall is one of the best lands out there for nonred decks, do not @me or any journalists reporting on this as it's the only time you should actually trust what a cop says. So it's a bust."

"Anyways," continued Daugs. "We found a complete set of prints and an expired Pegasus Games Rewards Card with a full name at the scene, but I doubt they'll turn up anything relevant."

If you have any information or friends who unironically play Temple of the False God

you'd like to report, please contact local law enforcement. 

Naomi Krause

Naomi Krause

Head of the Cephalid Advisory Group, which somehow outlived the Commander one??? follow @naomeatmybutt.bsky.social to see when i put my journalism degree to good use by publishing more card game peepee jokes