Report: RFK Jr. Recommends Commander Players Remove Teferi's Protection From Their Decks
Washington, D.C. - United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a video claiming that Teferi's Protection is detrimental to a "good and healthy Magic deck".
This stunning declaration flies in the face of accepted ideas about how to protect oneself from threats in a Magic: The Gathering game.
"We need a new way of thinking about protecting ourselves," declared Kennedy in a message while rubbing crystals under his armpits. "There are millions of threats one can combat in a Magic match, but for too long big Wizards has been printing cards that they think will help protect you. What do they need to protect us from? The overpowered creatures and spells THEY THEMSELVES are also printing? These people manufacture diseases just so they can print cures like Teferi's Protection.
"And I know people are going to come after me: 'But Robert, Wizards just made the card a Game Changer, doesn't that mean they know how problematic the card is?' Not good enough! This card has caused too many problems for people like me trying to win through commander damage. It's not surprising that an Obamacare-like card that came out during his administration, and features the former president in the art, is so rule-breaking."
(Ed. note: Teferi's Protection was first printed during Trump's first administration, and features a depiction of the time-mage planeswalker Teferi Akosa)
"I couldn't be more pleased to announce that our administration will be taking steps to ensure that Teferi's Protection be added to the Commander ban list and removed from all of the healthy decks it resides in. If you think you can keep getting away with quote unquote 'protecting' yourself, you're wrongly mistaken. My dad was assassinated and I'm rich so you all have to listen to me."
At press time, Kennedy also advised players to remove the protective sleeves from their cards because you can't properly "feel" the game without them.
