Pioneer Format Dies of Dysentery
OREGON TERRITORY – The Magic community mourns the loss of a format this week, after Pioneer died of dysentery.
“It is with heavy hearts that we announce that the Pioneer format passed away from dysentery last night,” Wizards of the Coast said on social media today, with the comments turned off.
Dysentery is a disease that leads to abdominal pain, fever, and death by diarrhea if left untreated. Caused by poor sanitation, contaminated food, or, in silly cases, a lack of organized play and prize support, it appears the announcement that the next round of RCQ’s will not feature Pioneer was the final blow to the beleaguered format before it perished by pooping.
Known as the “bloody flux” throughout antiquity, dysentery is notoriously indiscriminate in its victims. Many important historical figures crapped themselves dead, including the scholar Erasmus, every king of England before toilets, and JFK. Now, Pioneer joins them all in the proverbial Pants Macabre.
But how does a Magic format actually die from a disease like dysentery? The Herald reached out to the World Health Organization of Magic, or WHOM, for an explanation. Dr. Nick Thosramp responded:
“I’ve devoted my life to studying such phenomena. The gaming community may not be aware, but formats can contract diseases just like people. For example, it’s no secret that Modern has struggled with chronic chlamydia after getting repeatedly fucked by the Horizons sets.”
“But typically, you see such diseases arise from active decisions. In this sad case, Pioneer was left to flood its pants with bloody brown death by sheer neglect. Mice ran rampant in Standard and were exterminated. Yet, when the very same vermin, card for card, threatened the health of Pioneer, Wizards did nothing? It’s a miracle it survived for so long!”
Services for Pioneer will be held this Sunday at Our Lady of the Veil in downtown Portland. All of the format’s remaining players announced they plan to attend the funeral, and they are asking for a fourth to come to “get a quick game of Commander in” on Pioneer’s grave afterwards.
So far, there has been no formal statement from Wizards on the tragic news. But players should expect a reaction, as Pioneer is now the second format to die in recent weeks, joining cEDH, which was murdered by Hexing Squelcher.
