Pauper Player's House Floods, Ruining $15.23 Worth of Cards

Jon Ruggiero • March 4, 2024

Houston, TX - A flood in the home of a local Magic: The Gathering Pauper tournament champion cost them their deck and card collection, losing upwards of $15 in value.

Carmen Johnson became a new homeowner recently and, while alerted to the dangers of putting important items in the basement, they still decided to store their cards there to disastrous results.

"This could ruin me," explained Johnson while a soupy mass of Gurmag Angler cards slipped through their fingers. "And yeah, they all say that Houston sucks for flooding; the soil doesn't take water quick enough, and when it rains it pours harder than my tears did watching that Sheldon Secret Lair reveal last month, god that was beautiful. Not to sound like an internet meme, but I will never financially recover from this.

"And it's not just the money I've put into these cards, it's also the major time commitment. Do you know how many hours I had to sift through LGS trashcans after draft events just to sort out all the right commons to add to my new brews? I could've used that time to find a better, less-wet city to live in!"

Luckily Johnson had their cards insured by local agency Highwater Insurance, and worked closely with insurance agent Gale Dennison to recoup their investment.

"I've had my fair share of people come in and make a policy for all sorts of cards," explained Dennison in a way that made this interviewer nearly fall asleep. "It was a big deal over COVID lockdown, when novelty trading on the internet was a big fad. We currently have a policy with a gentleman who insured a C-3PO penis card for $1,000, so these Magic cards aren't unusual, but it is hard for me to justify to my bosses why we insured a playset of Tendrils of Agony for a $2.00 premium."

Johnson started a GoFundMe to raise funds for a new deck and as of press time has made $34, more than three times the fundraiser's goal.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.