Man Confident his Warhammer 401k Will Beat the Stock Market

Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he’s identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he’s calling his “Warhammer 401k.” That’s right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures.

“With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell my client that it’s time to invest in stable assets like gold and figurines that are likely to hold their value over the long term,” says Netrig, “while it’s not a flashy as investing in Tesla or Nvidia, people forget that Games Workshop has been around since 1973. That’s longer than Apple. They’re exactly the sort of stable, American company I want to put my money in right now.”

“As long as you’re not a terrible painter, these babies are just going to steadily go up in value about 1.3% every year,” Netrig tells me with flecks of silver paint all over his hands and face, “that’s roughly half the rate of inflation in the average year. Only an idiot wouldn’t not take that sort of rate of return. You think your IRA is going to do better than that?”

“You see a lot of market gurus who will tell you to leave your Tau Heavies in mint condition in their boxes, but I just don’t think that sort of passive investing pays off in the long term,” Mr. Netrig tells me before asking for the fourth time if I’m covering the bill for the lunch we’re enjoying. When I confirm that I am, again, he asks the waitress if he can get a “to-go omelet.”

I ask Mr. Netrig what sort of returns he’s shown on his early investments. “Oh, I’m not cashing out on anything just yet. There are so many people who are eager to dump their Necron armies right now that I’ve been gobbling them up left and right. I bought a slightly used Ghost Ark last week for only $75. Buy the dip, baby!”

When pressed about what he tells his investors about their potential returns, Netrig confessed, “I said investor, singular. Right now I’m not putting out any financial disclosure forms because what am I going to tell myself about the business that I don’t already know? Besides, I’m confident that more investors will come along in time. My mom’s already covering my rent, so it’s only a matter of time before she wants to get in too.”

Mr. Netrig showed me dozens of slightly damp cardboard boxes in his car with a smile on his face. “People used to hate on Bitcoin, but that’s worth almost $100k now. You really think that my Norn Emissary isn’t going to be worth half that in ten years’ time? It only takes one bull market for the Tyranids to come roaring back!”

This writer will be keeping his traditional 401k, but Mr. Netrig insisted you can DM him on Reddit if you’re interested in getting in on the “ground floor of 41st century investing.”