D&D Heist Planning Session Takes Longer Than It Would To Rob An Actual Bank

TABLE – While watching her D&D players enter hour six of planning how they’re going to steal from the Blarblegarble Bank, Dungeon Master Zoe Bagends contemplated how simple it would be to rob the City Bank branch across the street. 

“I could just walk in, hand the teller a note, watch for cameras, and be out of there in like twenty minutes.” said Bagends while looking up the rules of Speak with Plants at the behest of her players for some fucking reason. “Instead, here I am spending my Sunday watching these dummies overthink an operation they’re guaranteed to screw up.”

Despite her concerns, Bagend’s players remain adamant that their planning sessions are not going to waste.

“The DM gots it all wrong.” said party mastermind & high school dropout Chet Something. “The plan is air-tight: We need an acrobat, we need a heat metaler, we need someone to get a job as a security guard for six months to establish credibility, we need said security guard to turn the magical wards off during Carol from HR’s birthday party, we need to get Carol a birthday present (something nice but not too nice), we need a burger, THEN we take them for everything they’ve got. Like candy from a baby.”

“I love it when a plan comes together.” said security guard Jim during the party planning meeting he forced the DM to roleplay.

“This is the one time they’re actually thinking things through,” continued Bagend. “So I don’t want to discourage them, but holy shit they’ve been planning this job for 7 sessions now. I didn’t even prep that much stuff. At one point they asked for detailed blueprints, so I just went to city hall and got a copy of our bank’s building plan then used some white out on the proper nouns. Took like half an hour, tops. Makes you think.”

After 11 more hours of deliberation, the party successfully pulled off the heist with only 4 casualties, riding off into the sunset with all 129 gold pieces that were in the vault.