UnitedHealthcare CEO Mourned By Colleagues in The Orzhov Syndicate
Orzhova, RAVNICA - Members of the Orzhov Syndicate were saddened to hear of the passing of Brian Thompson, CEO of American medical company UnitedHealthcare.
The various guild members we spoke to mourned the loss of a great medical debt purveyor, something the Orzhov Syndicate greatly appreciates.
"This is just such a blow to all great creditors," wept Boris Ivanov, a ministrant of the syndicate. "We Orzhov are known on Ravnica for our dastardly and underhanded ways of getting coin from the lessers of the plane. We have taken gold directly from the teeth of a recently deceased individual, then trapped their soul to be used as a dog walker for one of our priests. As grand and ambitious as our plans are, nothing beats what UnitedHealthcare is doing.
"On top of being a bastion of the US healthcare system, one of the best things to ever happen to medical debt, the dearly departed Thompson had recently used various AI systems to increase the number of insurance claims the company could deny while still taking money from people. We tried to get something like that started, using spirits who are still indebted to us as the claim deniers, but it's damn difficult to get a ghost to properly understand actuarial tables."
Other members of the guild have become fearful of what this attack means for other people whose livelihood depends on the suffering of the general public.
"Things like this can't keep happening!" shrieked the ghostly form of former Orzhov priest Svetlana Gorbachev. "This dastardly deed occurred, and immediately people started making jokes and poking fun at the fact of him dying. As a dead person, I'm offended, and as a greedy and powerful person who did a lot of bad things in the name of profit while I was alive, I'm doubly offended! He wasn't even buried in the ground before he had jokes and japes aimed at him by the poors. If only they had wealth, they'd see how this was truly a tragedy for the rich!"
As of press time no Orzhov member had donated money towards Thompson's burial services, and House Dimir claim to have no knowledge of Thompson's killer.
