“Spice8Rack Is Probably Right,” Claims Man Who Couldn’t Get Through Das Kapital
Poughkeepsie, New York — After sitting through the latest 5 1/2 hour video by Youtuber Spice8Rack about the plane of Segovia and the nightmares of late-stage capitalism, local MtG player and college student Walter Doran decided to sit down and read through the theories of Karl Marx.
“Oh. Oh, aww geez…” he said fifteen minutes later.
After sitting down for an interview later, he described what had happened to him. “So, like, I decided to start at the most logical place, right? Capital, Vol. 1. I thought he’d start with redistribution of wealth, because that’s the main thing, right? But that dude would just not shut up about coats.”
Despite a global uptick in the sales of Communist literature whenever the English Youtuber releases a new video at least partially related to Magic: The Gathering, adoption rates for the late German philosopher’s thinkings tend to stay stagnant, claims local professor of politics Dr. Imran Daswani. “That dude’s writing was so dry, it’s crazy. Plus it doesn’t help that the world’s economy is fucked in a kind of way that Marx couldn’t have even imagined. Guy didn’t even know what a computer was,” the professor explained.
“So I’m actually glad that Spice8Rack is helping spread at least a little bit of knowledge. I often try to assign the Communist Manifesto to my students, which is supposed to be the layman’s version of Das Kapital, but they can’t even handle that. So when they start turning in essays on the political history of Shandalar, I just shrug and let it happen. At least they’re listening to SOMEONE.”
Doran’s quest for knowledge didn’t end at his ill-fated attempt at reading Capital, however. “So I was like, ‘okay, this stuff’s super complicated, but someone has to get it, right?’ So I signed up for my school’s People’s Reading Group. Spice is always talking about community and organization and their local union, so I decided to follow their advice and start at the grassroots of asking people what that old German dude was talking about.”
As the head of the local reading group Maggie Hunter explained, “You see, it’s like… uhm… So when the government, and corporations… uhh… Look, it’s messed up how, um, the value of labor, and…” After an awkward moment of silence, she admitted, “Look, most of us are here because the Democratic Socialists’ pods get too pissy about the bracket our commander decks should be in, okay? They keep whining about stax and group slug and how their voting decks never work, and aren’t willing to actually put in the effort to try and win. It’s obnoxious!”
“Yeah, I don’t know if I’ve learned anything from all of this,” Doran later recalled to us. “But Spice seems like they probably know what they’re talking about, so I’m just going to keep listening to them. Maybe Rhystic Study will make a video clarifying things.”
