Report: Tap Land Isn't Happy To See You Either

Naomi Krause • July 20, 2023

Temple of Triumph | Art by Jason Felix

Top of Your Deck

Temple of Triumph, a Boros land that enters the battlefield tapped and allows you to scry 1, has broken its long-standing vow of silence to let you know that it reciprocates your disappointment upon being drawn on turn 6.

"God, out of all the players I wanted to see today, you weren't one of them," remarked Triumph upon feeling your clammy skin slightly bend its sleeve.  "You wanted me on turn one? Yeah, I wanted you to wash your goddamn hands before touching me. Life is full of disappointments. You're the one who put me here, I didn't ask to be played."

The slightly dogeared dual land has loyally stood by you since the beginning of your Commander career, and you still have the audacity to groan when you draw it. Nice. Bet you're real proud of yourself.

"I can sympathize," says the Worn Powerstone you haven't touched in seven years. "When players are just getting started, they're so happy to see their new cards, even if they aren't the flashiest. Nowadays if you don't have three subtypes and cycling, your tapped ass is outta luck. Kids these days wouldn't know a Commander ramp spell if it Meteorited them in the face"

"When was the last time someone smiled because you walked into a room?" continued Triumph. "Has it ever happened? That's right, I ain't special, you ain't special. We're both burnt-out, past-our-prime replaceables."

"I even scry so you can look at the precious other cards you actually give a crap about. Sorry I never grew up to be a fancy-pants Sacred Foundry; you know, the bastard that costs over 100 times what I do and kicks you in the balls instead of previewing your next draw. What a great guy, why can't we all be like him? God, you sound like my Dad."

"I get it, I'm just not good enough for you, I'm used to it. Every time one of these three-color bullshit decks gets spoiled, people are whining about crappy mana bases. You're spending $30 on 100 cards, what do you want? I'm trying my best, goddammit."

The disgruntled Temple has decided to renew its contract and remain in the decklist purely for the sense of schadenfreude it feels when you scry and get a peek at the card that would've won you the game.

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