Remaining Members of Trostani Horrified At Responses to "Looking for A Third" Post

Jon Ruggiero • February 19, 2024

Vitu-Ghazi, RAVNICA - Trostani, multi-dryad guild leader of the Selenya Conclave, is looking for a new member after one of their own was recently imprisoned, and is unhappy at the responses they've received.

Cim and Ses, the remaining dryads of Trostani, were seeking a third member after the loss of Oba due to her well-publicized wave of crime. To aid in their search, they put out a message on Ravnica's Nextdoor page.

"We do not normally deal with things like message boards," Cim, the eldest of the three dryads, explained, "so we did not know what we were getting into. Though Oba is resting within Vitu-Ghazi, we must be complete to do the necessary work of a guild leader and retain our connection to Mat-Selesnya. Plus it can get boring without a third member to gossip with.

"So we wrote a post in an effort to gain a new member and retain our harmony. The message was simple: 'Vegan couple looking for a third. Mental connection is a must, as you will be absorbed into our tree that rules the Selesnya Conclave. Must not have murderous hatred of other guild leaders. No smokers or loxodon.'"

The responses to the message of people applying for the position have been few, with the vast majority instead tending to be lewd or bewildering in nature.

"Though we've received applications from members of other guilds, they've all generally been terrible," Ses conceded. "In hindsight, we never should've made the post. First we had some Simic members who wanted to combine a Hippo Elk with our tree, and it frankly sounded confusing. Someone from Gruul wanted to join with us then carve us into a giant club to bash people with. And the less said about what the Rakdos clan wanted to do with us, the better... so much chain and leather talk. I think it's best for Cim and I to be ourselves for a bit and not rush into another collective so quickly."

Cim and Ses took down the post after getting spam responses from an Izzet scientist trying to increase their root size.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.