Nerdy Lesbian Shocked To See Entire Tinder Profile On CBS

MADISON, WI – Local scissoring/roller derby champion Amber Keldemeldy was shocked this week to discover that not only is the morning news a thing people still watch, but that her dating app bio had been broadcast on a pink chart labeled ‘unattractive hobbies to women’.

“Yeah my roommate that I cuddle and make out with but I’m not sure she likes me like that sent me the link,” said Keldemeldy. “At first I laughed, thinking she just photoshopped my Tinder bio from when we first met, but apparently it’s real. Feels like an invasion of privacy, crazy they can put that on TV. I mean, my name wasn’t on it, but come on everyone I’ve ever met knows who they’re talking about.”

“I ended up going through the stages of grief: denying that it was accurate, bargaining that ok maybe some of these fit, angry that someone shared it so publicly, depression that my entire life was distilled into five interests, and acceptance that someone at the news station decided to put me, specifically, on blast.”

CBS denies that the listed hobbies had anything to do with Keldemeldy, nor Todd, a Magic player the poll taker broke up with the day prior.

“They kept talking about how unattractive my hobbies are to women, which made me really self conscious during my carpet munching break.” continued Keldemeldy. “I wanted to argue that those things sound cool as hell, but apparently that’s not an attractive stance. I guess it makes sense. Who’d want to date a nerdy, opinionated girl who gets tipsy and dresses up like anime characters? Like that appeals to any demographic. Guess I’ll just die alone with the beautiful roommate I hope I’m still living with in 50 years.”

We caught up with Keldemeldy’s real estate partner to ask her opinion on her clearly platonic friend’s personality traits.

“Amber’s a fucking idiot.”