Magic Fallout Cards Retain Bethesda Legacy By Causing Printing Machine Glitches

Jon Ruggiero • October 23, 2023

Indianapolis, IN - Commercial printing company HardingPoorman has confirmed that printing soon-to-be released Magic: The Gathering cards based on the Fallout world has caused production issues and machine glitches.

Craig Fealster, former head of production at HardingPoorman, has gone on record stating that such errors had the potential to make their way into the printing process.

"Call it superstition, call it anxiety issues, or call it me just being fed up with Todd Howard's god-awful quality assurance methods," explained Fealster while wearing a hard hat, "but I refused to let anything Fallout-related go through my machines. Unfortunately no one high up listened to me, and canned me for causin' a stink."

Reports obtained by Commander's Herald from HardingPoorman show a current lack of working machines due to programming issues and physical damage from the cards themselves.

"Of course it's a big contract," Fealster angrily conceded. "My bosses all knew it, and I understand how big a deal it is to get the printing contract for Magic cards, especially cards from another 'prestigious' IP like Fallout. I just didn't want to risk losing a machine or, worst case, an employee. Now I'm out of a job, and last I heard a Caesar's Legion card sheet clipped into an employee's leg and they had to amputate it. They should've just listened to me."

WOTC spokesperson Trent Crosby went on to thank HardingPoorman for their efforts in printing the cards.

"We regret to hear about issues at one of our current printing facilities," said Crosby while fanning his neck with a wad of cash. "At first I thought we were getting complaints about the Play boosters, since that's all I seem to hear recently. Instead I find out our long-time partner HardingPoorman is dealing with broken machines. It's unfortunate, but we already have all of our Fallout product, so hopefully they'll fix the machines soon and we can get back to printing our next 50 Secret Lair drops."

At press time, Wizards of The Coast announced Elder Scrolls Universes Beyond, which will be released in seven years after multiple delays.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.