Hey, you! Yeah, you, sitting in front of your television. Tired of the elitist Santa that only gives presents to the rich children? Sick of the holiday season leaving your wallet as empty as your relationship with your wife? Would you rather check items off a hitlist than a wishlist? Then come on down to Paradigm Thrift, located at 151st, 152nd, 153rd, and Maine, where one man's trash is another man's stocking stuffer!
We've got everything kids want, priced to move like one running away from their parents! A new bicycle, only $59.99. An electronic stapler for only $29.99! And your infants will love this half-used, unsealed bottle of bleach for just $0.99! So what are you waiting for? January 3rd?! Come on down to Paradigm Thrift and experience a Christmas miracle!
My name is Michael Celani, and I've got some bad news: I'm ruined financially as well as mentally now! Yes, after my questionable investments in cryptocurrency proved to be unquestionably bad, I've lost my considerable estate and had to downsize to living underneath that bridge that eats tall trucks alive. It's a true riches-to-rags story, and to make things worse, my family doesn't even know! I'm still expected to give all of my sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, and lawyers lavish gifts. What am I to do?
Luckily, I know someone who can help.can save me tons of money on my expenses by copying abilities that target him to the whole family for a measly two mana. With this, I can get the one present for everyone and just hand it down so everyone gets to enjoy it. Let's get shopping!
Meet the Family
To get the perfect gift that appeals to all seventeen of my family members, we'll first have to review all twenty-three of them. It's true, shopping for thirty isn't easy, but I'm sure with enough effort I can find something that will make all forty-six happy. Obviously, having more creatures on board will makeability much better. For our deck to work best, let's make everyone family!
- keeps showing up on the nice list because she's capable of making three free Soldier tokens a turn. She's even generous enough to let your commander live with her -3.
- is a great match to our variety of buffs in the deck, like . Not only does pumping increase the number of Goblins he brings to the office party for the free booze, if you've got on the field, you can even buff the tokens he creates for a strong assault.
- and both Xerox a target creature. This is great if you've got a high-value target, and incredible if you can duplicate your entire board with .
- argives you a stapled to . Pay attention to the number of Soldiers you have: not only is eternally a Soldier, most white token-generators happen to create Soldier tokens.
- Speaking of which,
, who doesn't believe in our lord and savior , creates Soldier tokens and reduces the cost of your white spells by Phyrexianizing them.
- is similar, but creates Warriors and only discounts your creature spells. It's much simpler to cast and harder to remove than a creature, though.
and provide some additional synergy to our little Soldier boys, and they even recruit some when they enter the battlefield.
- and can top that with the insane amount of white pips this deck runs. They're the perfect targets for .
- can sacrifice herself to protect most of your board from dying, which is great after my ex realizes I poisoned their wine.
- is great with the variety of ping effects red gives us access to, such as . Punch yourself in the face and more people will like you!
- Want more tokens? Try
, , , and . Keep your eye on ; its Strive can be used if you have multiple enemies with bigger families.
- is more suited as a less-versatile , but if you don't have much else to spend your mana on, make an army at instant speed on an opponent's end step.
- is a decent nutcracker that gets rid of creatures with one toughness, but you can always target a suitably beefy creature you control or yourself to make a Squirrel token.
- is essentially another , but it leaves behind a lasting buff that makes your red and white creatures stronger.
- You'll almost certainly be able to open the present puts under the tree for you, since you'll be making more than enough tokens even without its busted attack trigger.
- And no party is complete without an doubling all your friends.
I might have waited a little too long for my holiday shopping, but I'm sure my family will understand why I couldn't attend their party just yet. First, I need to make a little extra cash to keep my hand flush. Here's a few cards that can enhance our token-creators to be even more effective:
- , , and draw us cards when certain kinds of creatures enter the battlefield. Like a duck in a dressing room, most tokens we create will fit the bill.
- creates more clones with that wonderfully cheap activated ability, but notably those clones sacrifice themselves, and they all draw cards when they die. effectively turns her into a repeatable and all for one red, obviously making her extremely valuable in your deck and worth searching for with .
- draws us a card so long as we've made a token on that turn, which is basically all the time, so this is a free .
- is a great one: if we copy the ability with , we'll get to search out a basic land for every creature we control. This will, unfortunately, wipe our board of tokens, but it's a small price to pay for ten lands and blinking all of our token-creators again.
- turns our cannon fodder into protection for our creatures; regenerate a high-value target specifically, or handle a board wipe by radiating it with our commander. Just watch out for 's oft-forgotten second sentence.
- is much better than fan-favorite for this deck, since tapping our creatures instead of sacrificing them means we can use those tokens again and again each turn.
- And finally, is perfect as the angel on top of the tree, since it literally turns everything into flying, vigilant Angels.
Pop Some Tags
Of course, we can't hand down electronics, or furniture, or cars, or anything like that. Most of my relatives can't drive, because they're raging alcoholics and also twelve. No, we're going to need to hand down the one thing that's one-size-fits-all: clothing.
You see, the equip ability on Equipment is technically an ability that targets a single creature, so, if we ever decided to equipwith, say, , we're able to pay the to also attach it, one at a time, to all of our creatures. Normally, this would be useless, since most Equipment just provide static buffs, but some of them provide more than that.
There're plenty of weapons we can gift that'll shoot their eye out, kid. Passing these around to our creatures basically acts as four additional copies of, and they can be even better if or gets involved.
But it's not just damage we can get some use out of. Once we have enough mana (thanks,), we can sacrifice a ton of our board for just three mana with , or use alongside to find the Soldiers in our deck. Why not cast every instant out of our library with while we're at it?
And let's not forget that fighting is fun for the whole family.doesn't even tap your creatures to use its ability, so you can make your attacking army immune to combat damage. With enough mana, becomes an exponentially increasing snowball that will make your board a nightmare with just two or three activations. And Heartseeker? Your opponents won't have a board to block with after a turn of that getting passed around.
But don't worry, I haven't forgotten that I'm still poor. You didn't think we were actually going to pay full price for all this, right?technically doesn't target anything other than a single creature (unlike, say, ), so you can move around all your Equipment as much as you'd like. is great for reducing equip costs and for handling those pesky-expensive land abilities we have, like or . And creates so many Powerstone tokens that you'll want for nothing. Ah, the sweet smell of capitalism!
New Year's Resolution
I'm so glad my eighty-seven family members are content with their one new present. I'm sure they're as excited to share it as they were excited to share their incredibly controversial political views at the dinner table! Everything seems primed for an amazing 2023. Happy Holidays everyone! Now get back to work.
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Hand-Me-Downs (Agrus Kos, Eternal Soldier EDH)
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