How They Brew It – Block Chain

Michael Celani • January 10, 2022

Feather, the Redeemed by Wayne Reynolds

It might not buy you happiness, but it does makes the world go round. It comes in plenty of shapes, sizes, and colors. And there’s many names for it, like cash, moolah, dough, bones, iron, lobsters, toonies, smackeroonies, honk, or spondulix.1  Yes, it’s good old fashioned money, and no matter what you call it, there’s one unequivocal fact we can all agree on: it’s boring.

That’s right, readers: nobody wants to date a man who pulls out a credit card to buy a gallon of milk or a loaf of chicken at Dominick’s. You need some bad boy in your bank balance, and it’s hard to throw up more red flags than someone who says “I invest thirty percent of my paycheck in Bytecoin.” We’re living in the future. It’s time to start spending like it.

[1] I only made one of these up and it’s super not the one you’re expecting.


You’d Think The Crypto-Themed Article Would Be About Breya, Etherium Shaper, But There’s Actually A Coin Called Feathercoin So It Still Counts

Hello, my name is Michael Celani, and I’ve instructed the post office to send all my mail to my Bitcoin address. Crypto is all the rage, which is why I’m starting a new pyramid scheme business to capitalize. That’s right, Commander’s Herald readers: I’m officially using this column to announce my new venture, NFTz Nuts. I named my company that because you’re gonna go nuts for my NFTs.

I care deeply about value, which is why I pulled my company’s valuation out of thin air. In that way, I share a lot with Feather, the Redeemed. With her power to put instants and sorcieres back in our hand at the beginning of each end step, we can keep blocks coming and shut down combat until we’ve amassed enough resources to win!

 

Solving Computationally Expensive Cryptographic Mathematics Is For Blockers

People hate Feather, the Redeemed because her limitless value is threatening to the old-moneyed interests. Our deck is going to put lots of threats onto the battlefield fast, and that means we’re going to be attacked constantly. We’ll need to intercept tons of threats from our enemy, and even though the difficulty’s gone up, we can still mine blocks like it’s 2009. We’ll just need to invest in Appropriate Sorceries, Instants, and Creatures, or ASICs for short.

  • Our stars of the show are Blaze of Glory and Valor Made Real. These cheap instants let a creature block any number of attackers in combat, can be fetched with Sunforger, and will return to your hand at the end step thanks to Feather.
  • Once they can block everything, Loyal Sentry, Aether Membrane, and anything holding a Dead-Iron Sledge become a kiss of death for your rivals’ offensive plans. Simply flashing the Valor Made Real once one of these bad boys is on the field should be enough to convince any Rhys roughrider to back off.
  • Wall of Glare, Palace Guard, and Guardian of the Gateless may block everything naturally, and Guardian even has flying to swat annoying mosquitos out of the sky.
    • Got an aggressive player trying to kill Guardian with an army of 2/2s? Don’t worry; Kazuul’s Fury will stop him right in his tracks once you’ve built a sufficiently gatey guardian.
  • If you’ve played coy the entire game, try tricking your opponents into a suicidal swing against an Assembled Alphas. It will bolt your opponent for each creature it blocks!
  • All this too complicated for you? Shut down combat by zapping Feather with Intimidation Bolt instead. It does say other creatures can’t attack this turn, after all!

 

Cornering The Market

We’ve got the best blocks in the city, so let’s price out the competition. In other words, let’s make blocking really, really bad for anyone that’s not us.

  • Battle Strain and Heat of Battle both deal one damage to a creature’s controller whenever it blocks, but crucially, this isn’t per creature blocked. Your opponents will take ten damage to block ten creatures, but you’ll only take one!
  • Similar is Close Quarters, which works just for us. It’s also per creature blocked instead of per blocking creature.
  • Invasion Plans can close out a game in the combat step by forcing really bad blocks. Though this affects us too, Blaze of Glory’s text requiring that the target creature block everything it can sidesteps that issue.
  • Trap Runner is capable of blocking without blocking by using its unique activated ability. It can even block unblockable creatures, like Changling Outcast, putting a pretty big dent in the plans of the six hundred Ninjutsu decks that Satoru Umezama is guaranteed to spawn.

 

Situation Normal, All Funged Up

Now that our block mining operation is up and running, let’s get to minting those NFTs. Of course, in the context of this deck, NFTs stands for neverending friggin’ tokens, and yes, they are very fungible.

 

Fifty Percent Attack

So either your tokens are blocked and Heat of Battle takes care of your opponent, or they get through and actually deal their damage. It’s two sides of the same coin; but what if you could double-spend your coins? Could we win by blocking our own creatures?

With Curtain of Light, now you can! Cast Curtain of Light on an attacking creature and follow it up with Radiant Performer. You’ll block all of your creatures after damage. This triggers Close Quarters, dealing an additional 1 damage to anything for every attacking creature you control, so even if the opponent you’re attacking is already dead, you can snipe another player. It also triggers Gustcloak Savior, who will untap them like Reconnaissance and allow them to activate Kyren Negotiations again!

 

Bored Apes

The following deck list is part of my newest NFT venture, and is only available for the one person who purchases the “GamesfreakSA Block Chain Deck” NFT, conservatively priced at $100,000. Of course, all of my products are available on https://www.strangeoutliers.com. If you do not own that NFT, please stop scrolling now and close your browser. Thank you.


Block Chain (Feather, the Redeemed EDH)

Commander (1)
Planeswalkers (1)
Creatures (26)
Sorceries (4)
Instants (15)
Artifacts (9)
Enchantments (8)
Lands (36)

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Newly appointed member of the FDIC and insured up to $150,000 per account, Michael Celani is the member of your playgroup that makes you go "oh no, it's that guy again." He's made a Twitter account @GamesfreakSA as well as other mistakes, and his decks have been featured on places like MTGMuddstah. You can join his Discord at https://discord.gg/xWWqD2G8Fj and vote on which decks you want to see next. In addition to writing, he has a job, other hobbies, and friends.