It might not buy you happiness, but it does makes the world go round. It comes in plenty of shapes, sizes, and colors. And there’s many names for it, like cash, moolah, dough, bones, iron, lobsters, toonies, smackeroonies, honk, or spondulix.1 Yes, it’s good old fashioned money, and no matter what you call it, there’s one unequivocal fact we can all agree on: it’s boring.
That’s right, readers: nobody wants to date a man who pulls out a credit card to buy a gallon of milk or a loaf of chicken at Dominick’s. You need some bad boy in your bank balance, and it’s hard to throw up more red flags than someone who says “I invest thirty percent of my paycheck in Bytecoin.” We’re living in the future. It’s time to start spending like it.
 I only made one of these up and it’s super not the one you’re expecting.
You’d Think The Crypto-Themed Article Would Be About Breya, Etherium Shaper, But There’s Actually A Coin Called Feathercoin So It Still Counts
Hello, my name is Michael Celani, and I’ve instructed the post office to send all my mail to my Bitcoin address. Crypto is all the rage, which is why I’m starting a new
pyramid scheme business to capitalize. That’s right, Commander’s Herald readers: I’m officially using this column to announce my new venture, NFTz Nuts. I named my company that because you’re gonna go nuts for my NFTs.
I care deeply about value, which is why I pulled my company’s valuation out of thin air. In that way, I share a lot with Feather, the Redeemed. With her power to put instants and sorcieres back in our hand at the beginning of each end step, we can keep blocks coming and shut down combat until we’ve amassed enough resources to win!
Solving Computationally Expensive Cryptographic Mathematics Is For Blockers
People hate Feather, the Redeemed because her limitless value is threatening to the old-moneyed interests. Our deck is going to put lots of threats onto the battlefield fast, and that means we’re going to be attacked constantly. We’ll need to intercept tons of threats from our enemy, and even though the difficulty’s gone up, we can still mine blocks like it’s 2009. We’ll just need to invest in Appropriate Sorceries, Instants, and Creatures, or ASICs for short.
- Our stars of the show are Blaze of Glory and Valor Made Real. These cheap instants let a creature block any number of attackers in combat, can be fetched with Sunforger, and will return to your hand at the end step thanks to Feather.
- Once they can block everything, Loyal Sentry, Aether Membrane, and anything holding a Dead-Iron Sledge become a kiss of death for your rivals’ offensive plans. Simply flashing the Valor Made Real once one of these bad boys is on the field should be enough to convince any Rhys roughrider to back off.
- Wall of Glare, Palace Guard, and Guardian of the Gateless may block everything naturally, and Guardian even has flying to swat annoying mosquitos out of the sky.
- Got an aggressive player trying to kill Guardian with an army of 2/2s? Don’t worry; Kazuul’s Fury will stop him right in his tracks once you’ve built a sufficiently gatey guardian.
- If you’ve played coy the entire game, try tricking your opponents into a suicidal swing against an Assembled Alphas. It will bolt your opponent for each creature it blocks!
- All this too complicated for you? Shut down combat by zapping Feather with Intimidation Bolt instead. It does say other creatures can’t attack this turn, after all!
Cornering The Market
We’ve got the best blocks in the city, so let’s price out the competition. In other words, let’s make blocking really, really bad for anyone that’s not us.
- Battle Strain and Heat of Battle both deal one damage to a creature’s controller whenever it blocks, but crucially, this isn’t per creature blocked. Your opponents will take ten damage to block ten creatures, but you’ll only take one!
- Similar is Close Quarters, which works just for us. It’s also per creature blocked instead of per blocking creature.
- Invasion Plans can close out a game in the combat step by forcing really bad blocks. Though this affects us too, Blaze of Glory’s text requiring that the target creature block everything it can sidesteps that issue.
- Trap Runner is capable of blocking without blocking by using its unique activated ability. It can even block unblockable creatures, like Changling Outcast, putting a pretty big dent in the plans of the six hundred Ninjutsu decks that Satoru Umezama is guaranteed to spawn.
Situation Normal, All Funged Up
Now that our block mining operation is up and running, let’s get to minting those NFTs. Of course, in the context of this deck, NFTs stands for neverending friggin’ tokens, and yes, they are very fungible.
- Reverent Hoplite and Evangel of Heliod each make tokens equal to your devotion to white. Feather alone contributes two, and Evangel in particular contributes an additional two.
- Goblin Goliath will make three Goblin tokens on its own, and its activated ability is no slouch.
- Imperial Recruiter will search up either devotion daddy, or Goblin Matron in case you want to grab Goblin Goliath or Zada, Hedron Grinder.
- Of course, we’re blinking these creatures to get the most out of their zone-change triggers. Take your pick from any of Cloudshift, Ephemerate, Justiciar’s Portal, Long Road Home, or Acrobatic Maneuver.
- These blink spells are also how we’re protecting our blockers, as you can block an entire army and then blink out the single defender to remove it from combat.
- Flicker Skyclave Apparition to easily knock out cheap permanents, or use one on Mangara of Corondor in response to its activated ability to exile anything that ails you.
- Something end up in the yard when it shouldn’t be? Trusty Retriever, Ardent Elementalist, and Karmic Guide can help you out.
Fifty Percent Attack
So either your tokens are blocked and Heat of Battle takes care of your opponent, or they get through and actually deal their damage. It’s two sides of the same coin; but what if you could double-spend your coins? Could we win by blocking our own creatures?
With Curtain of Light, now you can! Cast Curtain of Light on an attacking creature and follow it up with Radiant Performer. You’ll block all of your creatures after damage. This triggers Close Quarters, dealing an additional 1 damage to anything for every attacking creature you control, so even if the opponent you’re attacking is already dead, you can snipe another player. It also triggers Gustcloak Savior, who will untap them like Reconnaissance and allow them to activate Kyren Negotiations again!
The following deck list is part of my newest NFT venture, and is only available for the one person who purchases the “GamesfreakSA Block Chain Deck” NFT, conservatively priced at $100,000. Of course, all of my products are available on https://www.strangeoutliers.com. If you do not own that NFT, please stop scrolling now and close your browser. Thank you.
Block Chain (Feather, the Redeemed EDH)
Buy this decklist from TCGplayer