Guy Selling Cabages Outside of Game Shop About to Have a Very Bad November
FRESNO, CA — 62-year-old Jimmy Sie runs a produce stand outside of his local game shop. For over a decade, he has made his living selling fresh fruits and vegetables a few yards from Cyclonic Thrift. Unfortunately for Sie, his proximity to nerds and the return of a 20-year-old joke are on track to ruin his life this Fall.
My Cabbages…
“People are asking about cabbages a lot lately, but then they don’t buy them,” Sie told us with seemingly no awareness of the hit 2005 animated show Avatar: The Last Airbender. “Sometimes they ask whose cabbages they are. When I say they’re ‘my cabbages,’ they chuckle. It’s annoying and a little weird, but harmless enough.”
Wearing his signature green hat and apron uniform, Sie has unwittingly made himself an even bigger target. Even worse, he gushed about the vegetables to us unprompted, saying “cabbages aren’t my best sellers, but I have to admit I have a special fondness for them. They’ve always been my favorite vegetable, and I’m always happy to discuss different types of cabbages. Cabbage recipes. Fun cabbage facts. Most of my friends don’t even use my real name, they just call me Cabbage Guy! Now that I think about it, some of the customers have started calling me that too.”
My Cabbages?
Jimmy Sie and his produce stand will create the perfect storm when Magic the Gathering’s Avatar the Last Airbender set releases in November. That set includes the legendary creature The Cabbage Merchant, the character Sie has been unintentionally imitating. The Meme Disaster Association predicts the card will create a localized but powerful upticks in references to the unlucky vegetable salesman. In areas with favorable conditions this could blow up into a full blown Social Media Challenge.
“We don’t expect a nation-wide disaster along the lines of Gallon Smashing or The Chicken Jockey trend, which our nation’s ushers are still recovering from. However, a specific location like Jimmy’s produce stand could easily fall prey to a Breaking Bad Roof Pizza style disaster,” Meme Disaster expert Manny Le Menn claimed. “All it takes is his reaction being filmed while someone knocks his cabbages over. If that happens every influencer, nerd, and sociopathic teen in the area will be doing it.”
My Cabbages!
“I don’t know what that means,” Sie told us when we asked if he was worried about being the next Devious Licks. Even after explaining the impending disaster, Sie was skeptical, “People wouldn’t smash my precious cabbages just for a joke. My stand is just fine right where it is. Me and my cabbages won’t be scared off by some silly internet joke.”
Unable to make the out-of-touch grocer understand his predicament, we left him to his fate. We last saw Jimmy Sie selling apples to a nerdy millennial couple, completely oblivious to the fact they were eying his cabbage display with thinly veiled destructive desire. Sources close to Sie report that he’s considering shaving his full beard and mustache down to just a prominent goatee.
