Elon Musk Insists He Created Commander Deck that is Clearly a Precon

Jon Ruggiero • September 12, 2023


San Francisco, CA - During his weekly "X Creator Appreciation" meeting, X Corp. CTO Elon Musk claimed the Commander pre-constructed deck he was playing with was his own creation.

The meetings, held to uplift the increasingly fragile ego of the embattled tech billionaire, usually involve playing games that Elon can win. This week's game choice was the Commander format of Magic: The Gathering, with some staff members forced to play.

"There's a handful of us in the office that know how to play," said Desiree Myles, a recent company hire who quit after this interview, "and he claimed he wanted a challenge from professionals, so we were roped into a pod with Elon. Most of us had decks brought from home, and we were told Elon created some new powerful deck all on his own. I'm not sure how much of that is true, since his Shorikai, Genesis Engine deck only had cards from Kamigawa: Neon Dynasty's Commander decks."

Though she ended up leaving the company, she doesn't hold anything against Elon's deckbuilding style. "Look, to each his own, make a deck however you want, but I bet there are cards from outside Kamigawa that would go pretty well in that deck. I mean, my Lathril, Blade of the Elves deck came in a box, too, but I at least put Llanowar Elves and Skullclamp in it."

Another player in the pod, X Corp. attorney Ainsley Carter, was more certain that the deck helmed by Grimes' ex-boyfriend was not an original creation.

"Yeah, that dude definitely didn't make that deck," scoffed Carter, who was immediately fired after this interview. "It's not like this is something new for him, look at how he operates. He believes that if he buys something cool someone else made and claims it's his, people will like him since that worked a few times in the past. But man, it's hard to claim you made a deck while we're literally watching you take the cellophane off the cards."

The game ended abruptly with the rest of the group leaving after Elon, who had not mentioned playing with Un- cards, repeatedly claimed he successfully put a Cheatyface into play.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.