Elon Musk Claims Cybertruck Would've Won Ghirapur Grand Prix

Jon Ruggiero • February 10, 2025

Satire

Bastrop, TX - Current Treasury thief and sometimes-competent CEO Elon Musk claims Earth would've easily won the Ghirapur Grand Prix if it entered the race with a Cybertruck.

Musk believes that the Vehicle-based competition depicted on the cards in the newest Magic: The Gathering set, Aetherdrift, was an actual event, and wants to ensure that the "plane" of Earth be allowed to participate in the future.

"We weren't a part of it this year," explained Musk in a deposition instead of answering questions about stealing American taxpayer money, "but I'll make sure my right-hand man Trump gets us in next year. If Amonkhet gets a car in that race, it's beyond ridiculous that we don't. We have Formula One and NASCAR on this planet, but some backwoods place like Muraganda gets a whole track for competitors to navigate? Who's palms did they have to grease to get that?

"Luckily I'm confident we'll be a part of the next Grand Prix. It'll be important that we present ourselves as powerful to the other planes in the race, so of course the only vehicle we could and should use in it is the Cybertruck. It's the perfect blend of style and power, and can easily take a beating from a mummy controlling a chariot led by undead hippos. I had a dream once that the Cybertruck would be powered by unicorns, but my engineers told me that wasn't possible so I had them fired."

Musk then went on to explain why his oddly designed truck would fare well in the race, using references to Magic cards in an attempt to sound cool.

"Any foe that would dare face our Cybertruck would get a Fireball

in the face for their troubles. Whether our opponents believe it or not we are on the Island
 of relevancy, and not even a Black Lotus
 could give them enough mana to cast a powerful spell against us. There's a powerful Storm Crow
 on the horizon for the next Ghirapur Grand Prix, and it's a Cybertruck, driven by me, in the name of our great planet, which will soon be named America X."

As of press time Musk claims he will use every cent he illegally siphoned from the U.S. Treasury to begin working on a way to resurrect Phyrexia "for the lulz".

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.