Duskmourn Likely Closest Most Players Will Come to Owning a House

BATHROOM #251, DUSKMOURN -- First-time homebuyers Jordan and Parker Bader don't mind that their new home occasionally tries to consume them. For them, it's a reasonable compromise. 

The pair spent countless hours on Zillow, scouring the website for anything in their budget, but everywhere they looked, they encountered the same problems. Outrageous prices on limited inventory, competition with older buyers who have more liquid cash for down payments; the same story repeated ad nauseam.

The Baders aren't natives to Duskmourn. Both a part of the Millennial generation, they work remotely, Jordan as a social media manager for a pet food company, and Parker as an eBay retailer specializing in vintage graphic tee-shirts. They met in college, where both were enrolled in the rooftop gardening program at Emerson College. Like most of their generation, they were hit after graduation with the stark realization that the housing market was very hostile to young couples seeking to start their lives as working adults. 

Parker said Duskmourn wasn't their first choice, but they've grown to love its unique charm over time. "Originally, we were looking for a place in Santa Clara, California: Jordan was working at a motorized scooter on-demand rental start-up based there." 

Jordan chimed in: "Did you know that one car equals ten scooters?" 

Parker nodded. "It's true, you know."

The Baders didn't have the kind of budget needed to purchase a home in Santa Clara. There, a four-bed, two-bath ranch averages around $1.7 million. "It's not the house you're paying for, it's the lot," said Parker, parroting things seen by the couple on Reddit. They said they looked at properties in the Mistmoors, the Boilerbilges, the Balemurk, and the Hauntwoods before settling in a spacious bathroom in the Floodpits. 

Their new home definitely has its faults. Food is sometimes hard to come by, an issue Parker brushed off: "My dad heard on a podcast that it's a supply chain issue." They have neighbors who Jordan said, "Won't stop screaming in terror all the time." The sun never rises nor sets, and occupying the home seemed less like life and more like suspended animation. Wind gusts are preternaturally cold, chilling the Baders to their core despite no logical reason for the wind to exist in the first place. The fundamental laws of physics seem warped in a way bespoke, with the intent to maximize suffering. Windows don't offer a view of the outside world because there is no outside world, but rather try to eat those unaware of that fact. And, of course, there are roving bands of cultists that try to kidnap them whenever they step outside; another similarity to California, Jordan dismissed. "Duskmourn isn't any more predatory than most loan companies," Parker added, winking. "Upvotes, please."

But of silver linings, Jordan said there are several of those, too. For one, the property seems absent of any utility bills. When asked what keeps the lights on, Jordan simply shrugged. "We were told it was a 'demon sort of magic,' but all I know is that it's been a few months now and we still haven't gotten an electricity bill," said Jordan. "And water is everywhere in the Floodpits; whenever you need it, you can usually find it just seeping in from somewhere." 

Occasionally, said Parker, a shirtless elf man passes through their living space, an elf man whom Jordan reported seems always in a hurry and shouting about fistfights and little rat boys. "I don't mind; it adds a bit of local character," said Parker. "It's important, we think, not to try to change the neighborhood, but to let it change us." When asked if it's ever alarming that random wizards -- a cadre truly ragtag in the sense that no pre-existing narrative connective tissue binds them -- seem to be involved in a sort of existential battle for survival that spills into their bathroom, Jordan brushed off the thought. "They're just trying to make it in this big scary world, like anybody else; who are we to pass judgment?"

Neither Parker nor Jordan seemed to think it odd that the realtor representing the seller of their new space was an egocentric science dragon who referred to the buyers as "guinea pigs." Jordan said the housing market is not in a condition right now that affords couples like them a lot of agency to ask critical questions. "You kinda have to just take what you can get, really," said Jordan. "And by the way, the dragon pronounced it 'jin-A-uh peeg,' which was weird. I think he might have been Czech."

Overall, the Baders said they're quite pleased with their choice to move to Duskmourn. Among their generation, they're now the minority. Only roughly 40% of Millennials can claim homeownership, a boast the Baders are now qualified to make, even if the home they own tries to eat them regularly. Studies have shown that Millennials "prefer experiences over possessions," and that trend may contribute to the lack of homeownership among them. And on Duskmourn, the Baders get not only a house, but an experience as well. "We also get possessions, like, all the time," said Jordan. "Just yesterday, my box of old VHS tapes of Disney movies became animated and tried to beat me to death. Not to brag, but they're Black Diamond editions, so..."

As they settle into their new home, the Baders are considering their next life steps. "Our neighbors keep telling us that Duskmourn is 'no place to have children,' or that 'the demons will eat our children,' or 'we're in a Quiescence now, but a Harrowing is coming,' whatever that means," said Parker. "We're trying to acclimate as fast as we can, but we don't speak the language here that well yet." 

"But we're not ready for that," Jordan added. "We might do what our parents did and move to a safer area to start a family. I hear Ulgrotha has some unreal vegan street food." For now, though, they plan to stick with Duskmourn for the foreseeable future, mainly because there's a growing realization between the pair that the great demon Valgavoth won't let them ever leave. Trapped in the system, they said, "What else is new?"