Democratic Leader Asks to Swap Out Commander Halfway Through Game

Jon Ruggiero • July 22, 2024

Satire

Washington, D.C. - A prominent Democrat has made the brash decision to change the legendary creature at the face of his deck one hour into a Commander game at their local game store.

Sen. Corbin Leisch began playing the three-way Commander match with Hazduhr the Abbot

, but at the beginning of his turn partway into the game he insisted that he have the chance to swap out the legendary creature.

"I know this should've been a rule 0 discussion we had a long, long time ago," conceded Leisch to the other members of his pod, "but please let me swap out Hazduhr. He did fine at the beginning of the game, but did you see how badly he performed last turn? He didn't do anything! This is going to ruin me, please let me swap to Sisay, Weatherlight Captain

!"

The other player in the game, Derek Bryndon, allowed the change to happen, but was confused; even though the senator was in a losing position, the other player in the same game had been blatantly cheating by using undisclosed acorn-stamped cards.

"Yeah, Corbin tends to do this a lot," explained Bryndon about his opponent's despondent nature, "over exaggerating his losses and blaming others for them. He finds an excuse to blame his commander for lots of his bad games even though he's a bad deckbuilder and, ironically, can't play politics with the other players. But he's not nearly as bad as Trent Howdy, that Republican congressional aide.

"Trent was playing a The Most Dangerous Gamer

deck that he promised us was fully legal and had no Un-set cards except for Attractions. Then, first turn, he plays City of Ass
 into Jack-in-the-Mox
 and sits there with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. He knows we can't call him out cuz there's no other players around and his dad owns the store, but Corbin thinks he's the worst player in the pod. It sucks, and I just wish there were more Commander players than these two to choose from."

At the end of their game, Sen. Leisch thanked Howdy for the game, while Howdy stuck a wad of gum in the senator's hair.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.