David Ellison Promises to Return Warner Bros. to Its Original 1923 Values
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a bidding war with Netflix, Paramount is poised to acquire legacy media giant Warner Bros. This would give the company a massive share of the entertainment industry, and many worry that the company’s conservative CEO will tarnish Warner Bros. properties. Seeking to alleviate those fears, Paramount has pledged to respect the original values of Warner Bros. as established in 1923.
A public statement from the company reads, “We’re committed to respecting the legacy of Warner Bros. by upholding the values that created the legendary company. We at Paramount firmly believe in protecting those century-old morals. The exact values that created classic movies like The Jazz Singer.“
The statement was accompanied by the revealed plans to re-release the infamous “Censored Eleven” cartoon shorts produced in the 30’s and 40’s. These cartoons will serve as the basis for a new rebooted version of the Merrie Melodies. The new version will be, “…a return to the folksy comedy of the depression era, just in time for a new global depression!” according to an early description.
Other IP’s are expected to receive similar treatment. Some proposed reboots include: a Matrix movie directed by Max Landis, a new Mortal Kombat starring Kevin Sorbo as Liu Kang, and Harry Potter as written by J.K. Rowling. An untitled project was also proposed, with the pitch being to turn “that one thing you specifically like most” into “something that makes you want to die”.
Paramount CEO David Ellison personally addressed the merger as well, saying, “As the child of a humble CIA-funded billionaire, I feel it’s my responsibility to make sure the common man is represented across all media. For too long, the entertainment world has been controlled by a group of liberal elites. It’s time for it to be controlled by a single conservative elite and his family. A good, wholesome family with only a few dozen mentions in the Epstein files.”
Leaked internal messages reveal some employees are more hesitant to embrace the moral values of classical Warner Bros. and its popular IP. “Just found out WB made a bunch of anti-German movies in the late 30s,” one email read, “feels like reverse racism to me.” Ellison himself claimed he was “Outraged” after reading Golden Age DC comics, one of the most high-profile IPs in the Warner Bros. holdings. “Superman was beating up landlords? Then Wonder Woman was super gay? Way too woke!”
Despite these reassurances, critics are concerned about a single company controlling around 40% of the box office, Magic: The Gathering sets, and overall nostalgia in America. Commander’s Herald has declined to offer an opinion, just in case Paramount owns us, too. We’re not actually sure anymore.
