Uncle Ruins Pumpkin Picking After Belittling Niece’s Patch 1, Pick 1
Mendham, NJ — What was supposed to be a magical autumn afternoon of family fun at the pumpkin farm was ruined this past weekend after an uncle “relentlessly criticized” his toddler niece’s patch 1, pick 1.
“I don’t know about ruined,” said Joe Murphy, who asked to remain anonymous. Known as “Uncle Joe” to the O’Brien family, Joe tells the Herald that while he loves his niece very much, he felt a real responsibility to give honest feedback on her choice of pumpkin.
“Maybe I could have softened the critique, but if you’d seen the pumpkin my niece picked, I know you’d be on my side.”
As a frequent drafter at his LGS, Joe says he is well-versed in arguing with children. He appears quite confident in the expertise he’s built up by regularly going 2-1 at drafts, or sometimes 1-2, and he tells us that expertise “easily translates” to evaluating a pumpkin pick as well.
Despite that confidence, sources on the scene tell us that his critiques fell on deaf ears, and only led to toddler tears, parental punches, and a 40-buck Uber for an uncle left behind in the farm parking lot.
By all accounts, the O’Briens trip to the Redman Farms Fall Festival began without major incident. Up bright and early, the family was packed, ready to go, and waiting for their Uncle Joe to finally emerge from their basement. Groggy, but wearing his finest flannel, Uncle Joe stumbled into the backseat of their CRV, where he says he found himself sitting next to a ball of ecstatic energy: little Emma, his niece of two years.
Not even a Wirecutter Runner-up car seat could contain this young tot’s excitement over her first trip to the pumpkin patch. Kicking her feet and waving her hands, tiny Emma shouted, “Jackal Lanterns! Jackal Lanterns!” like a moron who doesn’t even know the word Jack-o’-lantern–according to her uncle.
Pulling into the farm parking lot just before the afternoon crowds, the family enjoyed all that the bucolic environment had to offer. They rode the hayride. They sampled the cider and donuts. They took funny pictures in the farm’s stand-in photo boards. (Witnesses do report seeing a rather animated family debate over animal assignments for the photo, but Joe, already on two strikes from similar “debates” at Build-A-Bear and Johnny Rockets, eventually accepted being a sheep.)
Sources say the real drama began when her parents decided to take itty-bitty Emma into the patch to pick out a pumpkin all by herself.
Stomping her tiny toddler feet through the field, the little girl fell in love with a similarly little pumpkin. Perhaps a bit green and unripe, but perfect to her toddler eyes. “‘Dis one! ‘Dis one!” wee Emma exclaimed, holding up her prize for the approval a toddler can expect from normal and well-adjusted adults.
“That’s great, honeybun!” said her mother, Grace, while digging for her camera to take a photo of an important first. However, before she could do so, her brother looked up from his phone to get a peek at the pumpkin his niece picked. He didn’t hold back.
“Don’t be an idiot. That pumpkin’s a dud,” he said, his words wiping darling Emma’s grin from her face.
Grace, in partial disbelief, asked, “What did you just say?”
Joe replied, “I said it’s a dud. I wouldn’t pick it first. What? If she really wants it, I bet it wheels.”
Despite growing up with him, Grace says she was flabbergasted at her brother’s behavior. “I was like, what the hell does that even mean?! I mean, he was awful. He completely ruined the moment for her.”
With a confused toddler at his feet, Joe stood fast, refusing to back down from his criticism.
“It’s basic stuff. Like, she’s not following B.R.E.A.D. at all,” said Joe.
“Well yeah, she’s a toddler,” replied her exhausted father.
“She’s young, but we shouldn’t have to accept her ruining our odds in the carving contest. You can’t even fit a face on there. Here, let me see that, Emma…”
Witnesses report Joe then ripped the squash from young Emma’s hands and launched it back into the patch. The toddler screamed, and violence ensued.
Holding an ice pack to his eye that was punched a bunch, Joe, I swear to god, continues to defend his actions. He insists he was completely in the right and that actually his toddler niece overreacted, which made his sister and brother-in-law overreact. They were the ones who “ruined” the day, he says.
“I just think we need to teach kids to evaluate pumpkins in isolation and as part of a complete limited environment. I don’t have the 17Gourds in front of me, but I guarantee that pumpkin has below 50% win rate. And you know a first pick like that would ruin any day, so I stepped up. Honestly, I’m kind of the hero here.”
Asked what pumpkin she should have taken, Joe says it depends on the patch.
“If you get a bad patch, it makes complete sense to take a build-around pumpkin. But that wasn’t the case here. There was a picture-perfect first pick pumpkin in the same patch. And there were solid other options. If she had only done a little more research on the farm’s meta beforehand, this all could have been avoided…”
Despite his stubborn belief in himself and his actions, Joe tells us he does hope to make amends with his sister, brother-in-law, and niece and continue to live in their basement for free.
At press time, Joe says he is also considering legal options over Redman Farms’s “deceptively strong” cider, which he blames for some of his behavior. The farm rebutted his accusation, insisting their cider was non-alcoholic until Joe added multiple shots of Fireball to it.
