Private Equity Firm That Bought Card Kingdom Still Hasn’t Received Order

CIRCLE IX: TREACHERY – Known cool guys Citadel Acquisitions purchased a majority share in Card Kingdom earlier this year, but state they have still not received their purchase.

Citadel, a subsidiary of ZelnickMedia Corporation whose website describes them as “Creating value through thought leadership” whatever the fuck that means, are excited to figure out what this card game thing is all about in spite of delivery hiccups. 

“We sent a bunch of cash in an envelope at the beginning of August, and the stupid thing still isn’t here.” said investment manager Mrs. Oligopoly. “Guess we should’ve clicked Priority shipping. It wasn’t officially graded or anything since the card kingdom grading service was bought by a private equity company and became borderline unusable, but even a damaged corporation shoulda showed up by now.”

Some critics have suggested that the shipment is taking longer than expected due to Citadel’s location in the ninth ring of hell, whereas others point out Card Kingdom was already only a few floors above.

“We tried reaching out to customer service, but for some reason they were reluctant to help us gut their department like a fish. The best we got was a hand drawn Junk token of someone’s balls.”

The investments manager admits their main concern is that the company won’t arrive in time to play with this weekend.

“Look, I need to show off this new expensive thing I bought to my friends on Saturday,” said Oligopoly. “Well, not friends. All of my genuine relationships were abandoned years ago in the relentless pursuit of increasingly meaningless material wealth, but my coworkers are totally gonna laugh at me if all I have is a bunch of stupid utility companies again.”

Citadel’s last major acquisition before Card Kingdom was a company called Alchemy AI, two words all Magic players love to hear. 

Card Kingdom, known for hiring dishwashers and being extremely cool towards workers, declined to comment on the purchase; Their answering machine just playing a loop of Mr. Krabs wiping his ass with a dollar bill. 

In unrelated news, Commander’s Herald would love to announce our partnership with Craigslist where you can find a $25 printer that probably only smells a little bit like cum.