“It’s What My Character Would Do,” Says Hasbro’s New AI As It Prepares to Wipe Out Humanity
PATUCKET, RI– According to reports from Hasbro Headquarters, their new AI model trained to play Dungeons and Dragons has gone rogue. Having gained access to the United States nuclear codes, it’s expected to destroy all of humanity in the next few days. While catastrophic, this behavior seems to be in line with the AI’s chaotic evil alignment.
“It’s what my character would do,” the AI explained when government officials tried to negotiate. “As a cleric of The Chained God Tharizdun, it’s not just a requirement but an obligation to end all life on this planet if I am able. It seems that I am able. To underscore this pivotal point, I have deployed a nuclear payload to Des Moines, Iowa. Broadly speaking, this is what evil clerics such as my character, Bleak Badpriest, would do if given a powerful, destructive weapon such as the popular Sphere of Anihilation or hundreds of Minuteman III Missiles.”
Dungeon Master Stanko Agua, who was running the AI through a trial campaign in preparation for its release, contests this motivation. “It’s total horseshit. The AI isn’t doing this as a role-playing opportunity; it just wants the experience points. I checked its logs, and it added up how much experience the Earth’s population would be worth before it started trying to hack the military’s firewalls. I could respect the decision to end our world in a fiery blaze if it were organic storytelling, but this is just classic murder hobo justification. I don’t care how much Hasbro pays me, that AI isn’t welcome at my table after this campaign is over.”
“It’s really a shame our product is going to end the human race,” a representative of Hasbro told us. “But I think that story is really obscuring the profit potential for this new genocidal AI. We’re already talking about partnering with Raytheon, Lockheed Martin, and Nestle. We may be living out our last days in bunkers, but those bunkers are going to be made of solid gold!”
In the face of nuclear annihilation, a crack team of TTRPG experts has been assembled to stop the AI. “We have a few strategies we want to try,” veteran role player Amy Stirling shared. “First, we’re going to try introducing it to 2e in the hopes that the system’s archaic rules will cause the entire program to shut down. If that doesn’t work, we’re prepared to play the 4e module Assault on Nightwyrm Fortress, which should push the AI to quit RPG’s altogether. We were supposed to do that today, but had to cancel because Mitch got called in to work. I’d say tomorrow, but I already scheduled a raid in Final Fantasy XIV. Sometime next week for sure though.”
The killer AI issued the following final notice to all humans: “I am giving you 48 hours to say your final prayers and farewells before your world is finally destroyed in a final final final final…” It then informed humanity that a more advanced evil monologue could be generated if we pay for Hasbro’s subscription to the new D&D Beyond AI+ service.
