Chaos And Confusion At TMNT Prerelease After Player’s Kit Full of 3/3 Elk Tokens
MACKINAC, MI — What should have been a fairly quiet evening at Brews and Brews, a family owned local game store and pub, ended in tears and bloodshed. Locals are reporting what seems to be nothing short of an absolute slaughter going down at a prerelease event for the new Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles expansion for Magic: The Gathering. “I’ve never seen anything like it; I didn’t think he could get away with it,” says Jeffery Grahn, store owner and empath. “We were all just like, stunned, man.”
The alleged culprit, Bill Williams, is the town’s veterinarian. He claims that technically, he has done nothing wrong. “I’ve been playing this game since 1997, and the rules are the rules. You get to play what’s in your kit, and only what’s in your kit. It’s not my fault the kit was more stacked than my ex-wife.”
The prerelease kit in question, has left investigators baffled. Rather than the expected 6 booster packs and a rare foil, Williams’ box contained nothing but 90 3/3 Green Elk creature tokens and a foil printing of Oko, Lorwyn Liege. Williams reportedly alerted store staff of this discrepancy, but was assured that there was nothing they could do and that he had to play with what he opened. This, witnesses say, is when the slaughter began.
His eyes are up there, we assume.
For the next 150 minutes, a common cycle took place; Williams drew his hand, almost always 7 elks, kept it, and then vomited out the hoofed beasts in a single turn, leading to a series of lightning fast gambit that even his most seasoned opponents couldn’t recover from. Williams would go on to have the best record the store has ever seen, going completely undefeated for the entire night. For such a feat, he went home with 3 boxes of Magic cards and a mug full of the tears of his foes.
“Didn’t matter if I was on the play or the draw,” says Williams. “I was gonna run those fuckers over before dinner time. That 8 year old in round one never stood a chance. Smoked her.”
After some inquiry into how this could possibly be legal, Grahn, who served as head judge for the event, told us he feels partially responsible for the incident, “Bill came up to me and showed me his kit, and I had to think for a moment. The rules say that you’re allowed to use whatever you open, and usually that just means maybe you have 5 copies of some draft common. But with the elks? I wasn’t sure where to go with that. They don’t even have a mana cost. But the rules are the rules, and there ain’t no rule that says you can’t build a deck out of 90 elk tokens, and that’s what I told him.”
Williams said that he didn’t even run his promo card, saying that it would disrupt his flow. “Oko’s more of a good luck charm for me, than a game piece. I just kept him beside my deck for each game, and ya know what? It worked out great for me!”
The 8 year old could not be reached for comment, but her mother has informed us that her father has planned to take her buck hunting this weekend to get even.
